Don't Make A Scene

While I was out driving in the country a few weeks ago, I came upon the scene of a bus accident. It appeared that a bus had come around the corner too fast, missed the turn, and carreened across a field until it was abruptly stopped by a large tree.

There was an old farmer near the bus, leaning on a shovel. There was a fresh mound of dirt behind him.

I stopped the car and yelled out the window, "Looks like a bad accident. Anybody hurt?"

The farmer said, "Quite a few people actually." He pointed to the remains of the bus. "That was a busload of politicians going to a fund raising rally over at the Grange." Then he pointed at the dirt pile, " I just buried 'em there."

I gasped and asked, "All of them? Were they all dead then?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

Printer Problems

I have been having recurring dreams this week about a personal transport system (PTS) that works something like the Star Trek Transporter and something like Jeanie (of I Dream of Jeanie) crossing her arms and nodding her head.

Saturday morning I dreamt I was reading the instructions for my PTS. Actually I was just at the leafing-through-the-pages-do-I-really-need-to read-this-stage. After all, I'd been using it all week, did I really need instructions? (Don't say it! I admit it. I always read the instructions, just in case. Mostly just in case I can one-up you in the I-know-how-to-do-something-you-can't-do game, but this was a dream and people behave differently in dreams.)

Anyway, before I could get into reading the advanced topics, something intruded on my dream. I knew I was waking up and losing the book, so I started to reach for the Print button, but quickly realized that I couldn't print because I was dreaming.

It took me a few more minutes to realize that dreaming or not, it wouldn't have worked because I'm not hooked up to a printer.

I really gotta get out more.

Beam me up, Scotty!

There's no intelligent life down here.

... Bumper Sticker, blue Ford pick-up

A Real Prize

A few weeks ago (before I got sick), I took a drive out in the country. Being a former country girl, I do this occassionally when I feel homesick. While driving down a dirt road, I saw a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field.

I pulled over to the side of the road and watched a while. It was very hot and I was afraid the old man was having a heat stroke or something. The farmer just continued to stand there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

After about 15 minutes, I got of the car, walked halfway out to the farmer and yelled, "Are you OK?" He ignored me, so I walked further into the field and yelled again, "Mister! Are you OK?"

The farmer turned around and gave a friendly little wave. "I'm fine", he replied, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"A Nobel Prize? For what?" I asked.

The farmer gave me one of those looks old men give to nosy, but well-meaning woman, "Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."

A rose by any other name

I know you don't care, but I'm still sick. I'm changing my name to Snotty McSnead and only writing slim pamphlets on the benefits of garlic, onions, and thyme to cure the common cold.

I've changed my mind. My name will be Stinkin' Snotty McSnead.

No relation:

• Snotty McFee

No, it's not

I know you didn't ask, but I'm still feeling poorly. Not because I don't have enough money, but because I have the worst cold I've had in a couple of years. The way I feel now I think I may have it until after the first frost.

The amount of snot a cold sufferer can produce in one day always amazes me. I tried to find a study that actually measured the mucous output to see if it was only a couple of tablespoons or a couple of cups (as I suspect), but I couldn't locate one. I have no idea how one would go about measuring snot or I would do it myself.

While looking for that information, I found several sites that offered "proven" remedies for cold. One suggested increasing your intake of garlic and onions. Not only will that help you feel better, it may decrease the spread of cold germs by keeping people at a safe distance from you.