Nothing

There's nothing to say today. I was going to write about the TV shows I watched this week, but suddenly I'm too dizzy to think straight. I hate when that happens.

Paraprosdokian sentences:

My cousin likes to send me emails that she thinks are funny or insightful or uplifting. Sometimes she is right.

I got this email from her today about paraprosdokian sentences. I'm not sure all of them are paraprosdokian, but I'm not exactly an expert. Heck, I can't even pronounce it.

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they
can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put " A DOCTOR."

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt... plus a slice of lemon... and a shot of tequila.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

Saturday

I bought a new Wii exercise game today: Jillian Michaels Fitness Ultimatum 2010.  Because it was in the clearance aisle at Target, that's why.

Either I still have a cold or I have fall allergies.  It's a toss up as to which one has my nose alternately dammed up or running like a spring creek after the first thaw.  Doesn't matter which it is, the oxygen flow to my brain and lungs is impeded, blocked, non-existent.

You may be wondering what that has to do with Jillian Michaels Fitness Utimatum 2010.  Well, those are my excuses as to why I gave up after 24 minutes.  It took me 15 minutes to get started.  Then I ran with her for 5 minutes.  She did mention something at the end of the jog about me not being committed.  Or maybe she said You should be committed. 

Anyway, I survived that so I went on to try the lunge kick.  Nobody told me I had to be co-ordinated to play with Jillian. 

I was always standing on the left foot when the left foot was supposed to be kicking or I was kicking with the right foot when it was supposed to be lunging or both feet were trying to go back when one was supposed to go foreward.  And lets not talk about the push-ups at all. 

And you know what?  She didn't put a Quit button or I Give Up button or Panic button  on the game.  Jillian expects you to just keep going till you drop.

Here's a tip: if you pull the plug, she'll quit.

I really need a nap.

Holiday

Today is National Grandparents Day. 

Know what?  Ron Howard is a grandpa.  Yeah, little Opie Taylor has grandchildren.  How old does that make you feel?


I miss my grandparents.  I grew up in a family of 6 kids, a middle child in a set of middle children.  One sister a year older, one a year younger.  Give or take a few months.

In my grandparents' home I had peace.  Peace to love and be loved.  That's all that a grandchild really needs.

I hab a cold

Of course, I do.  I have a 3-day weekend off and I have a cold.  I know who gave it to me. She got sick during the week so took 1 1/2 days off work but first she came to work at the height of her cold when she was snotting all over the place and sharing her germs, if you know what I mean. 

One and one half days doesn't sound like much time off but she doesn't come to work much anyway what with one thing or another.  And there's a good chance she'll still be too sick on Tuesday to go to work.

I'll be better by then, of course.  So I can go to work.  Wouldn't want to miss work at the good ol' Dumass Company, would I?

I'm not very nice when I'm sick.