The Past and the Future

You know I don't really believe in horoscopes, don't you? I only read them for entertainment. But sometimes they are eerily close to reality.

I was just checking out last year's horoscope on AOL to see how accurate it wasn't. It was a little too close for comfort, if you know what I mean. It said "You're such a responsible friend and member of the team that you could wear yourself out finishing the work others leave undone this year. It's nice to be nice, of course, but in all fairness to yourself, make sure that they do their part too. This will free you to explore your own dreams and fantasies, instead of staying stuck in someone else's reality."

It's nice to be nice, of course, but in all fairness to yourself, make sure that they do their part too:
I started a new job this spring with fewer responsibilities and had planned to concentrate more on my personal writing, but I let the job get in the way. I won't go into all the gory details, but part of the problem was that I was the only experienced person on the team and I had to do a lot of training, explaining, and just plain "I'll do it myselfing". I didn't mind that - we'll all new to a job sometime and my philosophy is that the more I teach you to do the less I have to do. But one member of the team had no idea how to work. I don't just mean how to do the job, I mean how to work, and it didn't appear as if he intended to learn how. I expended too much unnecessary time and energy "babysitting" him.

You're such a responsible friend and member of the team that you could wear yourself out finishing the work others leave undone this year: The non-worker got fired in November so now I'm stuck doing his job as well as mine. He didn't do much so it wouldn't be so hard doing his job except people expect me to do the work to my usual standards not his. AND he only half-a***** what little he did do. Trying to figure out the What & How of each of his project is stressing me out.

This will free you to explore your own dreams and fantasies, instead of staying stuck in someone else's reality: Have you got any idea how many times I used the word "stuck" this year when talking to myself about myself?

This is an excerpt from the article's horoscope for 2007 for Libras "These [four eclipses] suggest that you could use more time to yourself, as the demands of work may be heavier than normal." And another, "It's time to be a leader and play a more active role in directing events socially or on the job."

It's a good thing I don't believe in horoscopes or I'd go back to bed and pull the covers over my head.

Counting down

Are you working on your New Year's resolution yet? Are you making promises to yourself that you know you're not going to keep? I usually just use the same list from year to year. It saves a lot of time.

This year I'm thinking of making a new list. Something a little less mundane and predictable. Something more fitting to my age.

In the coming 12 months, I resolve to:

1. Get better at complaining and grouchiness. I've been practicing, but apparently not the right way because I'm not really good at it yet. Quantity does not equal quality.


2. Run away from home.


3. Dye my hair blonde, or purple. I can't make up my mind. Maybe I'll do half and half until I can decide.


4. Learn to play drums.


5. Remember.

I'm going to assume that at some time or other you have run across a website called wikipedia (http://www.wikipedia.org/) You can hardly put any topic in a search engine without hitting at least one wikipedia article. In case you haven't seen it, the wikipedia website describes itself as "an encyclopedia collaboratively written by many of its readers. It uses a special type of website, called a wiki, that makes collaboration easy. Lots of people are constantly improving Wikipedia, making thousands of changes an hour, all of which are recorded on article histories and recent changes. Inappropriate changes are usually removed quickly, and repeat offenders can be blocked from editing."

I recently found another wiki called wikiHow. As recorded on their home page (http://www.wikihow.com/Main-Page) "wikiHow is a collaborative writing project to build the world's largest how-to manual. With your contributions, we can create a free resource that helps people by offering clear, concise solutions to the problems of everyday life. wikiHow currently contains 15,245 articles written, edited, and maintained primarily by volunteers."

Here are some of the featured articles on there today:
Create a Flashlight
Build a Panoramic Tripod Head
Do a Valdez
Build a Belt Buckle
Make a Cereal Box and Juice Carton Placemat
Care for a Donkey
Get Rid of Junk Mail
Make Feta Cheese
Survive an Avalanche
Read a Binary Clock

There something there for just about everybody. If you go to the category, Finance and Business/Legal Matters, you can learn how to "Help a friend who gets arrested in the middle of the night" or (if you don't have a friend) "Arrange for Bail While in Jail". Now that's good stuff.

Merry Christmas!

It's still quiet here even though the morning is almost over. Christmas carols are playing and the first stages of dinner preparation are completed so this is a good time to sit back and relax.

I just took the Persimmon Pudding out of the oven and it's resting on the counter, filling the whole place with an aroma of cinnamon, nutmeg, and ginger. The Dilly Bread is rising on top of a pan of hot water because it's a little chilly in here, even with all the baking. The turkey is waiting patiently to take it's turn in the oven. It knows that this afternoon it will be the star of the Christmas dinner. I made an Apple Mince Pie last night. It's so good. I know becaue I've already had a piece (I had to test it, didn't I?).
I first heard the following sone about 20, 30 years ago. Someone was trying to promote it as a new Christmas carol. I have rarely heard it between then and now, but this year I've heard it several times. The whole world should sing it this year.

LET THERE BE PEACE ON EARTH

Let there be peace on earth,
and let it begin with me.
Let there be peace on Earth,
the peace that was meant to be.

With God as our Father,
brothers all are we,
Let me walk with my brother,
in perfect harmony.

Let peace begin with me,
let this be the moment now.
With every step I take,
let this be my solemn vow,

To take each moment and live each moment
in peace, eternally.
Let there be Peace on Earth,
and let it begin with me.

Words and music by Sy Miller and Jill Jackson 1955

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESUS!

Today's Forecast is Stormy

This is the horoscope that popped up on my personalied Google page today. (It's from tarot.com)

"You are very busy this holiday season, and it's not going to let up. Today could push you right to the edge. Nevertheless, don't let yourself get pulled into the craziness, especially if it's unnecessary. Keep your eyes on your goals and worry just a little less about everyone else. If you slip off track, just consciously get back to your original plan."

See, even the stars know I'm being pushed to my limit.

My original plan was to do as little as possible at my new job, And, obviusly, I need to stick to that for the rest of the year. So if anybody wants anything today I'll just say "Have a Merry Christmas! Let's talk after the holidays when my stars are in better alignment." Then, while they're trying to figure out what I meant by that, I'll just quietly slip away to find some Christmas chocolate.

Hope you have a good stash of chocolate for yourself when you need it most.

I want a do-over

Just before I logged on to write something, I was playing Solitaire. I was down to a few cards and thought I had lost the game, but I took a second look and found a play I almost missed. Playing that one card let me play the rest in quick succession and I won.

Life can be like that sometimes.

You're feeling bad and you think it all "sucks swamp water through a straw". You're in an ugly mood and you're looking at the world through ugly glasses. You just want to go to bed and pull the covers over your head.

Then you take a second look. You hear a baby giggle, you see the slightest green leaf beginning to form on a plant you thought was dead, somebody smiles at you and you smile back instead of snarling. And you decide maybe you can make it to the end of the day.

Then sometimes you take another look and you realize that life really does suck and you just want this year to end so you can start all over.

Money

Is your wallet feeling kind of flat this time of year? Are you afraid your bank account is going to dwindle away to nothing before the next paycheck? Do you wonder if you can afford to invite Santa to your house this year? Well, get off the pity train at the next station.

A recent United Nations' global study found that:

• If you have assets of just $2,200 per adult in your home, you are richer than 50% of the people around the world.
• If you have assets of $61,000, you're in the top 10% of the world's wealthiest people.
• If you have more than $500,000, you belong in the elite group of the top 1%.

The three richest people in the world (Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates, investor Warren Buffett, and Mexican telecom mogul Carlos Slim Helú) have more money than the poorest 48 nations combined. [an aside: It's almost Christmas, I'm not going to pick on Bill today.]

Speaking of money: here's a neat trick for giving money instead of a shirt for Christmas when you don't know what size, color, etc. You'll also save on wrapping paper - it fits in an envelope so it's easy to wrap or mail. And if you're a real cheap skate, or in the bottom 50% of the world's weathiest people (and a lot of us have been there at one time or another), maybe you can dazzle the recipient with your craftsmanship so they won't notice it's only a one dollar bill.

That Time of Year

If you've heard that the suicide rate goes up in December, you've heard wrong. It actually goes down. Now, that's not to say that the season can't be more stressful than merry if you're not careful.

Indulge in something chocolate or peppermint or both. Settle in a comfy chair with a cup of tea and enjoy favorite Christmas hymns while you take the time to remember that Jesus is the reason for the season. Exercise to some peppy holiday tunes. (If you live in the Indianapolis area, you can catch carols 24/7 on the radio at 93.9 on your FM dial.)

And don't forget to be merry.

No time

I threw my clock away and lost all track of time. I can't believe I haven't posted a word for 4 days. I have a lot of excuses, but I'll assume you don't care and keep 'em to myself.

I shopped for a clock today, but didn't find one I wanted. At the store, I had my choice of black, white, or too expensive. So I chose not to get a clock from that store.

When I find the time, I'll look for a clock somewhere else.

What time is it?

It's time to talk about my clock again. I bought brand new batteries and it still doesn't work so I have decided it's time to throw it away and buy a new clock.

I don't recall what year I bought that clock, but I remember why. My niece, Kristin, couldn't understand why I didn't have a clock.

"But, Aunt Martha, how do you know what time it is?" she asked.

"I don't need to know what time it is." I replied.

She couldn't understand why I didn't care what time it was. To be truthful, I can't remember what was happening in my life that made time so irrelevant to my living.

Maybe it was my living that was irrelevant to time.

Watch the seasonal favorite "It's a Wonderful Life", then ponder that question sometime between now and the new year. Let me know if you reach any conclusions or if it was just good for putting you to sleep quickly.

A little bit softer now

I found a new site tonight. You're probably too young to remember when you could put a quarter in the jukebox and hear 3 of your favorite songs. Most of you are probably too young to even know what a jukebox is.

But if you want to know what rock music sounded like in the beginning - yeah, like before there was fire - go to the 50's Jukebox.

I grew up on this music. My eldest sister was a teenager when this music was playing on the little transitor radio she kept under her pillow at night. She didn't really share it with us, her pesky little sisters, but we couldn't help hearing the tunes now and then.

Who can forget those catchy lyrics that went something like "7 little girls sitting in the back seat kissing and hugging with Fred" or "Who walked in the class room, cool and slow, who called the English teacher Daddy-O" or "Kookie, lend me your comb"? Or the Saturday-night-alone classics like the poignant "I've been cheated, been mistreated, When will I be loved" or the wistful "Each night I ask the stars up above Why must I be a teenager in love"?

Clear the floor and put another coin in the jukebox. Get up on your feet and check out the Isley Brothers singing "Shout!"

OH YEAH! You're a little bit louder now.

Two gloves don't necessarily equal a pair.

I told you it was cold this past weekend. I decided it was time to find my winter gloves, so I searched through the winter accessories box and found a pair. They didn't match and they were both for the right hand, so I dug around some more. I found another pair, but they didn't match each other or the first pair. They were uni-hand, so I could have worn them ... if I didn't mind one brown glove and one red glove. Which I don't, but they weren't warm enough so I pretended I did.

But, ya know what? I went shopping & the first store I stopped at had gloves on sale! So I got two pairs. One warm pair, and one even warmer pair. I wore the warm pair out today. And, know what? I want a matching hat, scarf, and coat. Those gloves sure felt good, and warm!

Know what else? I can only find one of them now.

Dang it!

There's nothing like the aroma ...

of fresh baked bread, warm from the oven, dripping with real butter, to separate the real women from the wanna-bes.

I baked Dilly Casserole Bread this evening when I got home from work. Right now it's sitting on the counter, cooling for 15 minutes just like the recipe said. I'm only waiting to cut into it to prove I can.

The question is can I wait the whole 15 minutes?

I wouldn't make book on it. I can already hear it calling my name, a seductive whisper now, but I know soon it will be shouting, mocking me, daring me to ignore the directions, and live wild.

Uh, I gotta go. Here's the recipe - see how long you can hold out .

Dilly Casserole Bread

2 – 2 2/3 cups flour
2 tablespoons sugar
1 – 3 tsp instant minced onion
2 tsp dill seed
1 tsp salt
1/4 tsp baking soda
1 pkg active dry yeast
1/4 cup water
1 tablespoons margarine or butter
1 cup small curd creamed cottage cheese
1 egg
2 tsp margarine or butter, melted
1/4 tsp coarse salt, if desired.

In large bowl, combine 1 cup flour, sugar, onion, dill seed, 1 teaspoon salt, baking soda and yeast; mix well.

In small saucepan, heat water, 1 tablespoon margarine and cottage cheese until very warm (120 to 130°F.). Add warm liquid and egg to flour mixture; blend at low speed until moistened. Beat 3 minutes at medium speed.

By hand, stir in remaining 1 to 1 2/3 cups flour to form a stiff batter. Cover loosely with greased plastic wrap and cloth towel. Let rise in warm place (80 to 85°F.) until light and doubled in size, 45 to 60 minutes.

Generously grease 1 1/2 or 2-quart casserole. Stir down batter to remove all air bubbles. Turn into greased casserole. Cover; let rise in warm place until light and doubled in size, 30 to 45 minutes.

Heat oven to 350°F. Uncover dough. Bake 30 to 40 minutes or until loaf is deep golden brown and sounds hollow when lightly tapped. If necessary, cover with foil to prevent overbrowning.

Remove from casserole; place on wire rack. Brush loaf with melted margarine; sprinkle with coarse salt. Cool 15 minutes. Serve warm or cool.

Food Processor Directions: 1. In small bowl, soften yeast in 1/4 cup warm water (105 to 115°F.). In food processor bowl with metal blade, combine 2 cups flour, sugar, onion, dill seed, 1 teaspoon salt, baking soda and 1 tablespoon margarine. Cover; process 5 seconds. Add cottage cheese and egg. Cover; process about 10 seconds or until blended. 2. With machine running, pour yeast mixture through feed tube. Continue processing until blended, about 20 seconds or until mixture pulls away from sides of bowl and forms a ball. (If dough does not form a ball, add additional flour, 1 tablespoon at a time.) 3. Carefully scrape dough from blade and bowl; place in lightly greased bowl. Cover; let rise. Continue as directed above.

Leona Schnuelle Crab Orchard, NE Pillsbury Bake-Off® Contest 12, 1960, $25,000Bake-Off is a registered trademark of General Mills ©2006; 2006 © and ®/™ of General Mills

Let it snow, Let it snow, .....

somewhere else.

Winter came to Indiana this past week. It won't be "official" for a few more weeks, but, trust me, it's here. I used the tried and true method of sticking my head out the door - it was almost cold enough to freeze my ears off, so I know it's winter time.

The weather forecasters had predicted snow for a week. Last weekend, one would have thought that a blizzard was imminent this weekend from their dire warnings, but by Thursday night they had decreased the expected snow accumulation to only 1 inch. I watched a lot of forecasts Friday morning and one lone weather man (on Fox 59) predicted no snow while the others were still holding on to their forecast of snowflakes, albeit less than an inch by then.

There was no snow. Not in my county. We did get wind gusts that equaled tropical storms and brought down power lines and trees, but no snow. Unfortunately, the speed and strength of the winds was the only thing tropical we saw.

It's cold out there! But no snow.

I'm not complaining, mind you. I'm too old to appreciate the snow unless I can stay inside, sipping hot chocolate, while admiring winter's unique beauty. So I thank God for no snow while praying that He sheltered the people in the north and west that did have snow and ice up to their pants lines.

Have you missed me?

My computer is acting silly. It will just shut down whenever it feels like it with no regard to what I'm doing. That's why I haven't posted anything for a while. I didn't want to be in the middle of something and have it disappear Poof! into a blackhole in cyberspace.

I'm risking it today though so you won't think I'm ignoring you. This is going to be short so I don't lose it so this is it.

Your Cheatin' Hearts

My computer cheats at computer games.

I have long suspected it, but I think I have enough evidence now to prove that it's not cheating at just one game, but several. I don't want to tip my hand completely, but here is some of the evidence.

Hearts:

1. I first noticed the cheating when I played Hearts against three competitors of the computer's choosing. It's statistically impossible for the player on the left to get the Ace, King, or Queen of Spades 99.9% of the time so they can pass them to me.
2. The competitor with the "prettiest" sounding name usually wins.

Five Dice (like Yatzee):

1. 98.9% of the time my electronic opponent rolls "five dice" at least once during a game. (That's worth 50 points.) It's not unusual for her/him to roll "five dice" as many as 5 times in one game.
2. I roll "five dice" about 0.1% of the time. I still win 99.9% of the games though. (I didn't say the computer was good at cheating.)

Solitaire:

1. Yes, my computer cheats at Solitaire. When I click the screen for subsequent deals, you know it's supposed to deal 3 cards at a time, right? Well, my computer has started dealing 6 - 9 cards at a time. Nobody likes a cheatin' card player.

To get even, I'm going to tell you some secrets about playing Microsoft's Solitaire.

1. If you click the right mouse button, the computer will place visible cards to the correct suit stack. (For example, if an Ace is in the draw pile, right click and it will be placed above the row stacks. If a two of the same suit is visible in the row stacks, it will be also be placed on top of the Ace.) Use this judiciously; sometimes it actually hinders your play.


2. When playing Draw Three, and you need that Queen that's hiding under the Jack, hold down ctrl+alt+shift and click on the deck to draw single cards.


3. If you click shift+alt+2 in the middle of a game, you'll win.

"The 9000 series is the most reliable computer ever made. No 9000 computer has ever made a mistake or distorted information. We are all, by any practical definition of the words, foolproof and incapable of error."... HAL, 2001: A Space Odyssey

What's for dinner?

This is my 2006 Thanksgiving Menu. I didn't make all this stuff or even eat it. Or even intend to, when it comes right down to it. I just make menus to make menus. I do it for all the major holidays. You should see the finished projects, with fancy fonts and appropriate clip-art. Strange hobby, eh?

Thanksgiving Menu

Onion & Cheese Pastries
Crudités with Herb Dip
Tropical Fruit Kabobs

Roast Chicken

Baked Sweet Potatoes with Petite Marshmallows
Scalloped Corn Casserole

Green Beans Almandine

Cranberry Mousse
Waldorf Salad
Cranberry Orange Relish

Dilly Bread
Butter
Assorted Jams & Jellies

Iced Tea

Homemade Pumpkin Pie with Whipped Cream
Blackberry Tartlets

Happy Thanksgiving

Giggle, giggle, giggle

Guess what? Tyra Banks has a big ol' crush on Clay Aiken.

I happened to catch Tyra's talk show this afternoon, and she was giggling like a school girl. She was so flustered she could barely talk. She even claimed to like that hairdo that he was sporting a few months back that looked like a cheap wig. She managed to find out that he's allergic to everything and he wears boxer shorts, in case you're interested.

There was a woman in the audience that had Clay autograph her back some time ago and was so thrilled that she had it tattooed. That's just silly. Well, not just silly. It's also stupid.

I was looking for a picture to go with this post and found one of the last winner of American Idol (at least it's the last winner I can remember). You know the guy that jumped around all over the place? What ever happened to him? Has anybody heard anything about him since those Ford commercials that came out on the heels of his AI win?

Fame is fleeting.

Cactus Town

Did I tell you I planted a cactus garden for my birthday in October? Well, not only is it still living, it's actually growing. Which isn't really a good thing.

I mean the "still living" is great. I figured they'd be gone before the end of the month, and here we are almost through month two. But the growing? One of my relatives (and for the life of me I can't remember which one) once started with a little cactus from the local Five & Dime, and ended up with a 5 foot attack plant.

I have a long way to go before it gets to 5 foot, but the one that has leaves at the top has already multiplied and grown maybe 1/2 inch in a month so how long will it take before it takes over?

It's already annoying. It has deciduous leaves at the top that turn yellow & fall off - into the sticky spines before. Do you know how you clear out those leaves from the cacus spines? Very carefully, that's how.

Some Days are Golden, Some Not So Much

It's almost time for The Rifleman to start so I don't have time to write anything good so I'll just whine. I had a not-so-good day at work today.

In the first place, I didn't sleep well so I got up late & got to work later than usual. Then the computer started acting up shortly after I got there. After less than 2 hours of working, I couldn't get anything at all to work right, I had to do something for one of the other staff members because he failed to do it himself - twice, then I was called in the manager's office & was my usual hot-headed self. Which always makes me feel bad because I'm such a sweet old lady.

My computer still wasn't working, so I rebooted, but then I couldn't get back in because I was "locked out" and needed to have my password reset. And by then, it was time to go do community service.

When I got back after lunch, nobody's computer was working and I had to be able to use somebody else's computer to unlock my computer but since nobody else could get in - neither could I. But it didn't really matter because I had to go back to the manager's office to help with a special project that gives me a headache.

Finally, I got to come home. And if they've pre-empted The Rifleman, well all I can say is Watch Out!





I just checked and the show's on so excuse me, folks, while I watch some old fashioned, wholesome, shoot-em-up fun.

I'm Old, and Set in My Ways

I have had to change to Beta Blogger, or Blogger Beta, or whatever it's name is. I just call it stupid.

I don't see any great improvements. I don't see any improvements at all. I don't want to learn anything new. I don't want to have to stop and think what I'm doing. I don't have time to think. I barely have time just to be.

It's just stupid. And I'm up to here in stupid lateley.

Stupid is as stupid does

Time and Time Again

Does it ever seem to you that I'm obsessed with time? I'm not, you know.

The clock that I can see when I'm sitting at my computer has lost time again. I don't know what it does with it. Where it goes. I do hope that it's not my time it's wasting.

I put a new battery in the clock a few weeks ago. At least I thought it was a new battery. Maybe it was old. Not used, just old and tired. Past it's prime. Time had passed it by.

I know there is a clock on my computer and all I have to do is glance down and to the right to know what time it is, but I prefer to look up and check the time on a "real" clock. No matter that the clock is 15 minutes slow.

I know the clock is off, but when I look at it, something tells me it's "The Clock" so the time must be right and I have 15 minutes more than I really do. That's why I'm sitting here typing this nonsense when I should be getting ready to go to work.

To Each Their Own

Last Saturday night, the local PBS station pre-empted the Lawrence Welk Show for The Rat Pack. They must like to live dangerously.

There are many elderly woman addicted to the Welk family and although they probably grew up with the Rat Pack, I'm not sure Frank, Sammy, and Dean, et al, were a satisfactory substitute for the hard core fans of champagne music.

When I was a nurse in Florida, I learned that it saved me time and delighted my older patients if I made sure all TV's were tuned to the right channel well before the show was scheduled to start. Every Saturday night after dinner, I would make my rounds and in between nursing duties I would be turning on the TVs, assuring anxious ladies that the show hadn't started yet, and feeding their addiction.

One night, I was surprised (to say the least) to see that Soul Train was rocking in a room shared by two elderly ladies. As I adjusted an IV, I casually asked the lady in the first bed if she wanted me to change channels for her. She shook her head and whispered, "No, my roommate's watching this. I can't stand it. I want to watch the Lawrence Welk Show, but I don't want to upset her. It is her room, too."

I went to the other side of the curtain, and asked the patient in the bed next to the window, if she enjoyed Soul Train. She sighed and replied, "No, it's not my type of music, but my roommate is watching this and I don't want to upset her."

I just rolled my eyes and changed the TV to their favorite show. Then I pulled back the curtain so they could enjoy it together.

Me? I would have preferred American Bandstand. Still do.

Call me a relic, call me what you will,

Say I'm old fashioned, say I'm over the hill.

Today's music ain't got the same soul,

I like that old time rock and roll.

...... George Jackson and Thomas Jones

Eleven Eleven

Did you know there are more than 25 million living veterans in America today?

I'm off work today in honor of Veterans Day which is November 11th. It's the first time in my long working career that I have been employed by a company that officially observes this holiday.

In case you're wondering about the difference between Memorial Day and Veterans Day, I did a little research. Memorial day was established to honor servicemembers who died in service to their country or as a result of injuries incurred during battle. Veterans Day is for the men and women who served in the military during war or peace.

Denise's children are having special programs at school for Veteran's Day. I couldn't remember any such programs when I was in school and neither did Denise or Stephanie who are much younger than I am (and, therefore, would have gone to school in a different era.)

Maybe I never celebrated it because the teacher I had for 5 of the 8 years I attended elementary school mostly celebrated Irish holidays. Or because it didn't become a Federal holiday until 1968. But probably it was because it wasn't until 2001 that United States Senate Resolution 143 designated "National Veterans Awareness Week" as an opportunity for schools to educate students about the contributions and sacrifices of veterans.


So this is for all the men and women who served our country honorably during wars, conflicts, political unrests, national disasters, and blessed peace.

May God always hold you close to his heart.

Bad jokes

A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says....We don't serve food here!

A guy walks into a doctors office with a carrot in his ear and a piece of celery up his nose.....The doctor said "I can tell you right now, you're not eating right!"

There was a man who got into a car accident.He was soon rushed to the hospital. The left side of his body was completely paralyzed.... The doctor said, "He's going to be all right."

How do you keep a fool in suspense?

Do you have any questions?

Sometimes when people tell me there are no stupid questions, I want to retort, "You haven't heard them all", but that seems rude. I know what to say now as I recently heard an appropriate quote : "There are no stupid questions, only stupid people."

Of course, I know that reply is even ruder, but, really, some questions!

Sometimes a question will be perfectly reasonable if asked by one person but completely asinine from another. For example: A college-educated adult once asked me if she took an aspirin for a pain in her big toe, how did it know she wasn't taking it for a headache. Honestly, I wouldn't have laughed so hard if that question had come from a 6 year old.

I can usually recognize when I'm asking a stupid question and sometimes I ask them on purpose because they are so dumb and I'm trying to be funny or sarcastic, but too often nobody realizes that but me. Sometimes, a person will keep trying to explain "it" to me even after I tell them, several times, that I knew the answer before I asked the question and was just asking to (1)be silly, (2)validate my opinion, or (3)whatever. Do they think I really am that stupid? (and don't say "Now that is a stupid question!")

Sometimes it's just a simple question and the responder has to eagerly give me a long-winded reply, explaining every little detail, when the question itself reveals that I'm not entirely clueless about the subject. A simplified example: like I ask somebody standing next to the window, "Is the sky blue?" and the answerer has to go on and on and on telling me what a sky is and what colors are and about different shades of blue. All, I needed was "yes" or "no", but I never do get an actual answer to the question so I have to go to the window and find out for myself.

Or when I ask an either-or question, and get yes or no for a response. If I ask if you want to go to Joe's Java Joint or to Pam's Pancake Place for breakfast, don't answer "Yes". You're just trying to start an argument.

Here's some other good advice:

1. If your co-worker asks, "Can I ask a stupid question?", it's rude to respond,"Yes, you certainly can and frequently do."
2. Just say No. If your girlfriend says, "Do these jeans make me look fat?", never answer, "No, you've packed on some extra pounds lately and it looks like they settled around your hips."
3. If a cop pulls you over and asks,"Did you realize you were going 70 miles an hour back there?", don't answer,"Really? I thought I was going 80."
4. If your mother asks, "Who ate the chocolate cake?", don't answer,"Not me." when your mouth is full.
5. If you're having a discussion with your boss and he asks "Do I look that stupid to you?", don't answer.

Good advice

I'm currently taking another law course and found this advice from an experienced lawyer about how to behave during a trial, whether you're the lawyer, defendent, or witness. It's good advice for everyone all the time: "Always be yourself… Unless you're an obnoxious jerk, then be someone else."

It's time

Two days into normal time and my body is beginning to feel better already, but it hasn't quite got the hang of it yet. I fall asleep watching TV because it's past my bedtime by the perverted time, and I wake up an hour early.

So here I sit, all dressed up and no place to go.

I have to go be at a conference around 8, 8:30 this morning, but it's too early to leave yet. I could leave now and sit in the lobby of the hotel for half an hour. Maybe practice "casing the joint".

It's gonna be a long, long day.

Dream On

While on my way home from work tonight I heard the song "Dream Lover". I've heard it before, many times, but tonight it rang a bell, struck a cord, lit a lightbulb.

Dream Lover is the perfect name for my pillowcase "invention". The pillowcases are for body pillows and are embellished with a picture of a movie star, athlete, singers, etc., or your favorite significant other. I've looked to see if anyone else had this idea, but couldn't find any. The closest were one that had faces of animals, a couple that were rather risque, and some floral prints. So I think it's a viable idea, a real moneymaker at Christmas.

I first thought of these pillows as something for women whose husbands or boyfriends were in the army. I thought it might be comforting for them to curl up with their own Dream Lover when the real thing was overseas.

Then I thought, hmmm, famous people would work for everybody. But I don't know how to go about getting permission to use their likeness and how much do you have to pay, etc., etc. and I'm too lazy to see this idea to fruition so anybody that wants to steal the idea may. But, please, at least provide me with free pillowcases & pillows.

I did make this idea into a party game, one that you can take with you anywhere because there are no props, no score cards, no nothing but your imagination. All you have to do to play is argue over who you want on your pillowcase.

I once played this on a car trip with two other adults of various ages. I chose Tom Selleck, John Schneider, Kyle Chandler, and Dean Johnson (the handyman on Hometime on PBS - he's good with his hands, need I say more?). Denise, who's younger, favored younger stars (some of whom I'd never heard of so the conversation would veer off into "Who's that? What do they look like?" so I could judge her selections properly) and Ronnie picked an entirely different set of cases, if you know what I mean.

Tick Tock Tick Tock

I lived with it for months. I got up in the dark and I went to work before the sun did. My body never knew if it was coming or going. But finally Daylight Saving Time is over!

Yeah, I know DST will be back next spring, but I'm going to pretend it's not.

I think I have all my clocks set back to the correct time. I was so excited I started changing them about 7 PM last night. All except the VCR. It converted back to the right time about a month after DST started and I never changed it again. Bless it's little hardware heart. If it doesn't want to go on DST it doesn't have to.

Oh, Dang! That reminded me that I forgot to check the TV & DVD in the bedroom. And the phones! I thought I got the times all changed too quickly. It will take me a week to get the correct time on all the clocks. How is this saving me time?

Time waits for no man -

even if he can't figure out what time it is. ... me

Haunted

It's almost time for Halloween. Are you too old to go trick or treating? Do you want to visit a Haunted House without the fear of wetting your pants in public? Try these on-lines sites for some fun and excitement.

KMart - Help the masked stranger avoid skeletons, black cats, and ghosts as he wanders around the haunted mansion. Funny things: he has to find a burger and bring it to a caged skeleton, he has to carry a monster to bed, and the skeletons throw bones at him when his back is turned. Not so fun: pop-up ads that interupt the game occasionally (but actually aren't too annoying)

Ben and Jerry - This isn't really a haunted house. It's just fun things for the kids to do. There's a "Flavor Graveyard" if you've been wondering where your favorite flavor went. And if you "carve" the virtual pumpkin, be sure you check out the pieces in the compost heap.

Virtual Haunted House - Click on the door bell to enter the house, then search the doors, windows, trash cans etc for the Witch. Don't be afraid to click on the spooky critters that come crawling out of the woodwork. Fun stuff: silly noises as you wait for the house to load and Witch's laugh when you finally find her.

Try some of the yummy treats at Halloween Recipes. How about a meal of Awful Arachnids, Eerie Eyeballs,and Dried Cherry Scabs?

Glory's Haunted House - This is a site for little kids. If you've got any, check out the safety tips when you knock on the front door.

OK, I lied about the excitement. But if you were afraid you'd wet your pants, I was afraid you couldn't handle excitement.

Cheap Charity

Want an easy way to help fight hunger and show support for your favorite football team?

Just vote for your favorite team at Click For Cans. Once a day, every day until midnight December 15, 2006.

The NFL team that gets the most votes will earn a donation of Campbell's® soup for the food bank of its choice. Campell's will donate one can for every pound the total team weighs! In addition, the team that improves the most in the number of clicks from last year will also receive a donation of 2,006 cans.

Let your friends and family know so they can vote too!

“To feel safe and warm on a cold wet night, all you really need is soup.” Laurie Colwin

Hot Potato

Today, class, we’re going to discuss potatoes. The much maligned potato is one of the most nutritious and versatile food crops in the world. More specifically, we are talking about “white” potatoes, not sweet potatoes. “White” potatoes are members of the nightshade family while sweet potatoes are morning-glories. (For those of you who read old mysteries, yes, some nightshade plants are poisonous. Potato leaves are poisonous, but the tubers are quite harmless as well as delicious.)

First a little history: It is believed that potatoes were first cultivated in Peru by the Incas, about 200 BC, but were not known in Europe until the mid 16th century and first grown in America about 1720. French Fries were introduced to America by Thomas Jefferson who served them in the White House from 1801 – 1809. In 1995, the potato became the first vegetable to be grown in space.

Nutrition: Did you know that one potato has only 100 calories, plus it has more potassium than a banana and more Vitamin C than an apple? Potatoes are fat-free, cholesterol-free, and a good source of fiber, niacin, and riboflavin. They are considered by some to be the “perfect food” because it is possible to stay healthy on a diet consisting only of potatoes.

Versatility: There are more varieties of potatoes than I care to name here as there are literally hundreds grown today. You can buy white, red, gold, and blue potatoes in several shapes and sizes. To prepare them, you can bake, microwave, fry, boil, or grill potatoes. You can mash, rice, shred, slice, or dice potatoes, or just leave them whole. You can serve them as hash browns, French fries, chips, salads, soups, or casseroles.

Recipes: Check out the recipes at The Healthy Potato or Idaho Potato. If you like playing with your food, try some Creepy Potatoes for Halloween (or whenever). Did you know you could make bread, cake, and even candy with mashed potatoes?

Or try my recipe for Speedy Baked Potatoes.

This makes a potato that is crispy on the outside, but fluffy on the inside, and in only 30 minutes. One potato will feed 1 - 2 people, depending on the size of the potato or the size of the person, and what you're serving on the side.

• Pre-heat oven to 425 – 450 degrees.
• Scrub one russet potato (pick a nice looking potato, about 1/2 pound)
• Poke a few holes in the potato with a fork or sharp knife.
• Place in microwave. If you want, set it on waxed paper. (I like to put the potato on a microwave-safe plate and add a couple tablespoons water, but this isn’t really necessary.)
• Microwave on high until slightly soft to the touch or until you can just stick a toothpick in it. (This will take about 5 – 10 minutes depending on the size of your potato and your microwave. You don’t want to bake the potato completely. Turn the potato over about halfway through or your potato will overbake on one side.)
• Tear off a sheet of aluminum foil at least 6 inches wide, fold in half and fold up all four sides to make a pan. (You can actually use a pie tin or other flat dish, but you don’t have to wash the foil.)
• Transfer the potato to the foil. Drizzle about 1/2 - 1 tablespoon olive oil on top of the potato, then sprinkle with coarse salt. (Do not wrap the foil around the potato – we don’t want it to steam, now do we?)
• Place the foil and potato in the oven and bake until done, about 20 minutes. (You’ll know it’s done when you can easily stick a toothpick or skewer into the potato. If the skin begins to wrinkle, it’s overdone.)
• Top with what ever you want: butter, sour cream, yogurt, cottage cheese, bacon bits, cheese, green onions, red onions, mushrooms, broccoli, chili, etc.
  

Serve with a tossed salad or fruit and there's a nice supper in 30 minutes with minimal clean up.

Deception

If I were Queen of the Universe, things would be run differently.

This weekend I bought the store brand frozen Margherita pizza from a neighborhood grocery for Saturday night supper. The picture on the box showed a light golden brown pizza crust adorned with perfectly placed plump slices of ruby red Roma tomatoes which were nestled atop a thick bed of mozzeralla cheese and ringed by a moat of rich tomato sauce. Sounds good, doesn't it?

Saturday night I opened the box to find a thin pizza shell with a few paper thin wafers of anemic tomatoes scattered and piled randomly on top of a thin layer of cheese which was surrounded by a equally thin layer of tomato sauce. What a disappointment to the eye! Actually, it didn't taste bad. But it tasted like the $3.50 pizza it was, not the sumptutious feast pictured on the outside.

If I were Queen of the Universe, that would never happen.

First Dance

As she came down the stairs, she felt as if she was floating on air. "Which is a good thing," she thought ruefully. "If I wasn't floating, I could break my neck trying to walk in these heels. How am I ever going to dance?"

She smiled at her mother who was waiting nervously by the front window.

"You look beautiful," her mother beamed. "Pink is definitely your color and that raspberry sash shows how tiny your waist is. All the other girls are going to be so jealous. Doesn't you daughter look beautiful, Henry?"

"She's always beautiful. Pink dress or muddy jeans." Henry replied with his eyes glued to the television.

"Oh, Daddy," she giggled, "look at me. Do I look all right?"

Henry turned off the TV, got to his feet, and motioned for his daughter to turn around. He frowned and pretended to study her from all angles. "When did my little girl grown up?" he wondered. "What has happened to the little girl in muddy jeans and pigtails that liked to go fishing with me?"

"Well, do I?" she insisted. "Do I look all right?"

"Princess, you're way past "all right". You are the most beautiful girl in the world, next to your mother, of course." He kissed her lightly on the forehead. ""May I have the first dance with the most beautiful girl in the world?"

Her mother laughed with them as they twirled across the living room floor. "My heart is bursting," she thought. "What did I do to deserve a daugher as sweet and beautiful as Sarah Lynn and a man so full of love as Henry?"

She began to cry, silent tears rolling down her cheeks. She tried hastily to brush them away, but the stream turned into a torrent and the accompanying sniffles alerted her husband and daughter.

Her daughter ran to her anxiously. "Mama, don't cry. What's the matter?"

"It's all right, honey," she assured her, "It's just that I never danced with my father."

Sunday morning

When I awoke Sunday morning, I opened one eye and peered at the clock. I couldn't read it, but judging by the gray light peeking through the blinds in the window it was still early. I closed my eye and tried to decide if I could go back to sleep or if I had to get up and make the morning trek to the bathroom. I hadn't gone to bed till almost four so I didn't want to leave it any earlier than necessary.

I opened the other eye and tried to focus on the clock again. 8:13? I closed my eye and considered it for awhile. Gray light, no sun. Couldn't be 8:13.

I squinted at the clock with both eyes. 8:15? That woke me enough to get both feet on the floor so I could stumble into the kitchen to look at another clock. 8:15! I separated two slats on the blinds and squinted at the morning weather in the front yard.

Everything was gray and dreary looking. Not a sign of the sun. By 8 o'clock the sun should be up and working. I don't expect it to be shining brightly, but it should at least try.

I went back to bed. If the sun don't work, neither do I.

Harumph

I haven't written anything all week. And I can't think of anything to write today. So there.

Make up your own lies and give me a break till I finish this cup of tea.

I have enough stupid of my own ...

So keep yours to yourself.

I missed Tuesday. The one day a week I don't have to think of something to write for the blog & I forgot. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

These are things that probably remind you of at least one person with whom you work. If you really think about it, they're too true to be funny.

1. I don't know what makes you so dumb, but it really works.
2. Did you eat a bowl of stupid for breakfast?
3. Were you born that stupid or do you have to work at it?
4. You’re not a complete idiot--some parts are missing.
5. How do you manage to find your way to work by yourself?
6. If you have the capacity to learn from your mistakes, you'll learn a lot today.
7. If you want to learn something, close your mouth and open your mind. Heaven knows there's plenty of room in there.
8. And your whiny-butt opinion would be...?
9. People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
10. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
11. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
12. The only two things you can do at the same time is talk and tick me off.

Postscript: I have heard that many people get more tolerant as they grow older. Well, I'm not one of them. There's only so much crap one person can bear in one lifetime and it's almost over my head now.

NO GREATER LOVE

While perusing the internet today, I read several stories about heroes around the world. I decided to share them with you because they deserve to be shared, even on an obscure little blog like this. Just ordinary people, doing their jobs, in extraordinary fashion.

Hero from New Zealand


Pes Fa'aui is a traffic warden in Waitakere, New Zealand. In the middle of a seemingly ordinary workday, Mr. Fa'aui tackled a knife welding man who had just stabbed two men and was advancing on a police officer. Without hestitation or regard for his own safety, he jumped on the killer and brought him to the ground. Mr. Fa'aui was cut severely enough during the struggle to require several stitches, but returned to work a few days after the incident.

Mr. Fa'aui denies that he's a hero. He said that the real heroes are those who face danger everyday in the armed forces, emergency services, and hospitals.


Babysitter in Idaho
In northern Idaho, a teenage babysitter shot and killed a black bear that was trying to break into the home where she was caring for three toddlers. The children were playing in the backyard when the babysitter was alerted by the oldest child screaming, "Bear!". She ran into the backyard, grabbed the children, and pulled them into the home. While the bear tried to claw through a door into the house, the babysitter loaded a hunting rifle. When the bear looked away, she opened the door and shot him.

I can't show you a picture of this heroine or even tell you her name. She refused to allow reporters to publicize her identity.

The last story is the type of which movies are made. Young, handsome serviceman, live grenade, ultimate sacrifice.

I am opposed to wars. They are an abhorrant waste of a country's resources, especially their most precious resource, human lives, but sometimes they are necessary, thrust upon a country by the stupidity of greedy, arrogant, and ambitious men. War is by nature horrific, but with that horror comes more tales of heroism, friendship, loyalty, than can be recited in a war's lifetime. This is only one of those stories.


Two weeks before he was scheduled to return home, 25 year old Petty Officer 2nd Class Michael Monsoor, on the left in the picture, was standing near the door of an Iraqi structure when a grenade hit him in the chest and bounced to the floor. "Mikey" threw himself on top of it, sacrificing his own life but saving the lives of four other SEALS.

This wasn't the first time, Monsoor behaved heroically. He was awarded the Silver Star for his actions May 9 in Ramadi, when he and another SEAL pulled a team member shot in the leg to safety while dodging gunfire.

"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."
The Bible - John 15:13

Service Station

I like shopping at Barnes & Noble on-line.

1. They sell books
2. The prices are less than at their retail stores.
3. They keep me updated with frequent emails about my order and I get fast, free shipping.
4. If I don't like something, I can return it at one of their stores or through the mail for a full refund.
5. Their customer service people actually answer my emails.

Compare that to the "service' I got this week from Hoover/Maytag. I recently bought a new vacuum cleaner which I really liked. It's self-propelled, powerful, and easy to empty - three things my former vacuum sucked at (pun intended). The first time I used it, a wheel fell off - it appears that it may be missing a special nut to hold it in place. I can still use the vacuum, but it ticks me off that I paid money for a vacuum with a loose wheel.

I called the service center this week. Of course, I got the press one if you want to do this, press two if you want to do that, and you press one then you get a whole new menu. If you want to talk to a real person, you have to do it on your dime - they don't have a toll free number connected to live people.

I punched all the numbers to find the nearest service center and got the address for a place in the next state, about 100 miles away. The address was given so quickly I didn't have a chance to write it down and I would have had to go through the whole number punching routine again to get it. I decided to try their website because I knew there was a closer service center, and I wanted help from a person. I shouldn't have to go to so much bother to fix their error.

I had no trouble logging onto the Hoover/Maytag website, but it took a while to find the right place to send a question. I finanlly got a message sent about the nut and asked if they could just send me one. While I was writing, I told them they needed to fix their phone message.

I got an email back in two days telling me to take my vacuum to the nearest service center. They did find one that was less than 10 miles from here, but still not the closest one. And they didn't answer my question or apologize for shoddy workmanship.

What brand of vacuum do you think I'm going to buy the next time? It won't be a Hoover. I don't like to be annoyed, especially by 'customer service'.

On the road with Edward Hopper

Saturday, I ordered books & CD's from Barnes & Noble for my birthday (yesterday). As usual, I tracked the packages on the B&N and UPS websites. Sometimes it is fascinating to watch where my books go before they come home to me, but this order was fairly routine.

I ordered all the stuff from one website, yet they were shipped from three different warehouses. I received an email telling me one item wasn't available but would be shipped as soon as possible. The next day, a follow-up email notified me it was sent.

One package (with most of the stuff) was misdirected by UPS and won't arrive till Thursday. Two items came today - one was a CD of Christmas music (Burl Ives classics - I told you I was a nerd) and one was a book (The American Imagination) of Edward Hopper paintings with poems & literary works about the pictures. I thought the writings would be intertwined with the paintings, but they are in different sections with all the pictures in the back of the book.

I was telling you about tracking the packages because I checked the website this morning and my package hit the road here in town about 7:30 AM. It arrived after 5. What the heck was it doing all day?

To Men

It's Tuesday. Remember? The day I don't have to think? Here is a list I thought men would appreciate.

1. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
2. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
3. Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
4. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
5. Life is like a dog-sled team... If you ain't the lead dog, the scene never changes.
6. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
7. Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
8. Guns don't kill people... but they make it real easy.
9. If nothing blows up, it ain't a movie.
10. If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
11. Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change.- Confucius
12. Sorry don't get it done, Dude. - John Wayne as John T. Chance in "Rio Bravo"

Tiny Bubbles

Yesterday, I checked out some on-line courses because it's been several months since I've taken any and one or two classes will make a nice birthday present for me. (I admit I'm a nerd and I'm proud of it.) I've narrowed down my choices to (1)"Legal Nurse Consulting" (2)"Get Funny", and (3)"Wine Appreciation for Beginners" (among others).

Maybe I should select a course to help prepare me for my next career. Let's see, do I want to (1) associate with lawyers, (2) be a smart-mouth, or (3) become a wino? I'm always up for something new and I've already done the first two.

Tiny bubbles in the wine,

make me happy, make me feel fine,

tiny bubbles make me warm all over

with a feeling that I'm gonna love you

'til the end of time.

hit-or-miss Typing method

The shift key on the left side of my keyboard only works about 30% of the time. Since i like to talk about me that's a real problem because the I's don't always get capitalized. Sometimes i use the right key to make it a 'big I" but that's awkward. See the ' in front of the I and the " after the I? That's where it worked 50% of the time. It will probably fix itself sooner or later. One key or another is always getting stuck.

I think it's time I thought about getting another computer anyway. Some of the keys on the keyboard are beginning to fade. Specifically the Fn key. I don't even know what that's for so i know I haven't been using it. On purpose anyway.

Sometimes I use the "fat-finger" method of typing and just use whatever key I hit. Hmmm. i wonder if that's why the left shift only works part of the time?

You put your finger where?

I have an odd malady that I'm going to share with you because, frankly, I lead a boring life and I have nothing else to write about at the moment. It's just a strange little affliction, nothing really weird so I can't write a book about it or anything, but it really bothers me at times.

Every time I sit down to this computer, my right ear canal starts itching. I mean really itching. Stick-a-finger-in my-ear-and-try-to-pull-it-out-the-other-side itching. Not the left side, just the right.

I’m afraid I have caught some kind of computer bug. Maybe a virus or a worm. An ear worm. That's it. An ear worm.

You know the only way to get rid of an ear worm? Pass it on.

Junked Mail

My wastebasket overfloweth. No, really, overfloweth. There's almost as many papers on the floor as in the wastebasket.


I put a wastebasket next to the chair where I read my mail in a rare attempt to be organized and uncluttered. A month later I got a bigger one. A month later an even bigger one. One day's worth of junk mail fills it almost to the brim, and two days later it's spilling over onto the floor.

I think what I need to do is rent one of those big dumpsters, park it next to the chair, then back up a dump truck once a week.

Now if I could just find a riding vacuum to match ....

The Lexicon

There are words and phrases jumping through my mind, not quite forming a coherent thought. Laughing, crying, moaning, what do they want me to say?

I try to force them onto the page.

"Come," she whispered, “Come to me."

Her voice was soft and inviting. He took a step toward her, hesitatingly and she reached out a hand. The slender fingers beckoned to him.

“Come. Come to me. I’ll not harm you.”

No. My thoughts aren't ready to take him there. I see the pictures, but the words are jumbled.

He's crouched low now, watching her. He rocks back and forth, trying to remember the long ago security of his father's arms. He can't find it and he scrowls at her, wanting to scream, "Go away! I won't go with you!" But he can't say it. He frowns at her. His brow is scrunched so hard it's hurting him.

She's floating above him. Like an angel? Like a wraith? It makes him feel so vulnerable. A smile barely brushes her lips. Her eyes are soft. He can't read them. The tilt of her head says more than the words.

Suddenly the fear swells, overwhelming him. He struggles against the terror. He holds his head with both hands, rocking faster. Not looking at her. He wants to vomit. To cry. To run. Can he outrun her? Can he even stand?

I stop thinking. I don't want to know the ending. Not yet. Not tonight.

One man's humor is another man's list of boring crap.

I have several lists of funny, provocative, things-I’d-like-to-say-in-the-office, and stupid sayings. I get them in emails and I steal them from other websites. I save them to use in the blog when I’m too lazy to think of any thing else to write. I'm sorry that I don't know who wrote most of them; they came from different sources at different times and those sources ripped ‘em off first.

Be forewarned, I have decided that I’m going to do a page of them every Tuesday- that will be the day every week when I don’t think.

1. Just wanted to let you know that I've entered the snapdragon part of my life - part of me has snapped and the rest of me is draggin'.
2. An apple a day keeps everyone away - if your aim is good enough.
3. I'd pay just about anything for a telemarketer's home phone number.
4. Ever notice how people who tell you to calm down are the ones who got you mad in the first place?
5. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
6. Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Cleveland.
7. If bankers can count, why do they have eight windows and only four tellers?
8. Hard work will pay off later. Laziness pays off now!
9. If you don't care where you are, then you aren't lost.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Ha! Fruit flies like a banana! Get it?

Do you see what I see?

Remember yesterday's post? You probably thought the theme was about memory. Well, that is how it ended up because I got side tracked yet again, but it started out being about the way we see things.

For example, (on the left) is this picture the face of an old army general with a hand on his chest, or do you see two people and a dog?

In the picture below, do you see a skull or a woman looking in a mirror?







Do you see the faces of two old people in the picture below, or two men sitting on the ground?












Is this picture the face of the man in the moon, or the precious face of a soon-to-be-born baby who's still tucked safe and secure in her mother's womb?

Remember when

When I worked in a hospital, the other staff and I learned a new trick for finding things. We'd switch. I looked for what Mary was hunting and she'd search for what I needed. For some inexplicable reason, it was usually easier to locate what someone else was trying to find.

If I'd spent 10 minutes looking for the gauze, Mary could stick her head in the supply closet and find it at a glance - on the shelf at eye level, in the front. And vice versa. I could do the same for one of our other co-workers. I liked to blame it on poltergeists, even though I knew it was because we can't see what's right in front of us. Yeah, I don’t like to admit it when I’m being stupid.

I did learn a good way to remember what you are looking for. You know when you enter a room and look around, then say to yourself, "Now why did I come in here?"

The trick is to try to remember why you left the other room. Think about where you where and what you were doing. Nine times out of ten that will trigger your memory so you can remember what you needed. If it doesn't work most of the time, you're just hopeless.

As usual, there is a reason I bring up this old memory, but I'm not going to tell you till tomorrow. Come back then. Maybe there will be milk & cookies.

Age doesn't make us forgetful.

Having way too many stupid things

to remember, makes you forgetful. ... Maxine

The Return of Howie

I have had a mentally draining week. I'd give you details, but I have found that when you face a situation where you think you may have to eventually smack somebody up side the head, it's best not to record too many details about the conflict and pending resolution.

Because my brain muscles are more tired than usual, I have a guest writer today. Her name is Steph. She's not old like me, but she writes OK for a kid.

You all remember Howie? The spider?

He's alive....

At least that is what I thought last night when I was coming down the stairs at my house and there he sat. I said “Howie, did you come home with me…is that why we thought you got killed?” And he said…get this…”That’s a common misconception, I’m not Howie…I’m Herman (dramatic pause) …His evil twin brother.” Then I said…”Oh great now I have psychotic spiders stalking me.” He then said, “Not just one, I also brought my cousin BIG.” To which I said…”Big, doesn’t he have an actual name like you and Howie?” He replied, “No we just call him BIG on account of him being so BIG and all.” Then he proceeded to say this…”Now listen here pretty lady…the way I see it we got a score to settle…and since I can’t find the man with the yellow shirt smoking the cigars…you are gonna have to be the one to pay.” At that he reared his ugly head and lunged with all his might straight for my face…but I ducked…Shuweee! He then said…”Oh well better luck next time…me and BIG… we’ll be waitin’ and you never know when we will sneak up and surprise you.” Then he added for affect (I think he thought it would be cute or something)…”I’ll get you my pretty and…and…well since you don’t have a dog….I’ll just get you my pretty.”


With an imagination like that, I'm surprised Steph can sleep at night.

The dinner bell

I just copied a recipe and saved it to My Recipes folder.

I think it's from the Palm Beach Diet because the title of the recipe is Maida Heatter's Palm Beach Brownies. The description says "These are the biggest, thickest, gooiest, chewiest, darkest, sweetest, mostest-of-the-most chocolate bars." Ok, maybe they aren't from THE Palm Beach diet.

I'll probably never make the brownies. I'll just drool over the recipe every once in a while. I have a lot of recipes like that.

The other day I saved a recipe (from Cooks.com) that I'll probably make some day even though I have no idea how to pronounce it. It's called Serbian Gjuwetsch. I don't know what Gjuwetsch means either, but it may be Hungarian for rice with vegetables. Then again, maybe not. I'm guessing that the origin is supposed to be Serbia, but it looks like an old Hoosier recipe to me. I tried to find other recipes with that name, but they weren't in English so I don't know what made them Gjuwetch as opposed to, say, Goulash.

This is the recipe for Serbian Gjuwetsch in case you want to try it. It looks simple enough.

1 lg. onion
2 tbsp. vegetable oil
1/2 lb. ground beef (or lamb)
1/2 tsp. paprika
4 tomatoes, peeled
1 green pepper
1 red pepper
1 1/2 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. pepper
2 c. water
1 c. uncooked rice

Chop onion fine and fry in oil with meat until golden brown. Sprinkle with paprika. Add tomatoes, quartered, and peppers cut in long strips. Season with salt and pepper and cook 5 minutes. Add water and rice. Simmer for about 25 minutes or until rice is tender. Serves 4.

Well, maybe it's not Hoosier after all. It serves 4 people with only 1/2 pound of beef. And the only time I ever heard anybody in Indiana say Gjuwetsch was after somebody sneezed.

A Walk in the Park

And he was like, "Man, don't ever do that again! You almost gave me a heart attack!" and she was like, "Giggle, giggle, giggle."

And then they both laughed, timidly, self-consciously at first, then she pushed him, then he pushed her back, and before they could help themselves they were laughing so hard they thought their guts would split. Just as they were beginning to recover, some old lady walked by carrying an umbrella and glared at them.

And he was like, "Man, with a face like that you could stop a clock the size of Big Ben!" and she was like, "Whoo Eee! Big Ben wouldn't stand no chance!" and they roared in appreciation of their own wit.

And the old lady, she just shook her umbrella at them and muttered, "Stupid squirrels."

Rock-a-bye-baby

I went to a baby shower Saturday. There was the usual oohing & aahing over tiny little pink socks and expressions of "Oh, you're gonna need that!" from the experienced attendees. There were a few "Well, what will they think of next! I wish they'd made those when I had kids." and one woman announced wistfully that she was ready to have another baby.

The mother-to-be was glowing and had more fun than the rest of us put together, which is the way it should be at your first baby shower.

In her honor, I'm sharing these sayings that I stumbled over last night at http://www.indianchild.com/.

1. Children will soon forget your presents. They will always remember your presence.
2. You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool Mom.
3. The best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day.

She should read these while she's still in a condition to believe they're more funny than true.

1. Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
2. I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
3. Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.
4. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes.
5. Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried it.
6. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

In the eye of the beholder

Suddenly Senior's Jokes last week were on the naughty side. Way over on the naughty side. I can't even begin to tell you the one about the pickle slicer.

As I've mentioned before, sometimes Seniors are a little risque. (Most of the time they're just downright dirty.) This picture came from their website.

I'm taking a survey. Do you think this picture is:

1. Not funny. (I don't get it.)
2. Funny.
3. Funny, but slighty naughty.
4. Funny, but really naughty.
5. Too naughty to admit it's funny.
   

Milan at Midnight

Have you heard about the new passport rules that are taking effect at the end of the year? Gone are the days when you could visit our neighbors with just a driver's license for identification.

By the end of the year, you're going to have a passport to travel by air or sea to and from Canada, Mexico, and the Caribbean. In 2008,you've got to have the passport to travel by land, sea, or air.

It ain't gonna be cheap either. If you're 16 or older, the fees for getting a new passport total $97, not including the cost of getting passport photos. For children under 16, the fees total $82. Passport renewals are $67.

Want more info? Check out http://travel.state.gov/ or call the U.S. National Passport Information Center at 877-487-2778. You'd better do it now. It normally takes at least 6 weeks to get a passport, but the new rules have caused an unprecedented number of applications and your passport could be delayed. It will cost you an extra $60 to get an “expedited” passport and that takes two weeks!

Why am I nagging you about passports? One of the books that I'm writing takes place in London, Madrid, Moscow, Paris, Milan, Toronto, and islands in the sun which might in be the Caribbean. I think I should visit those places to add authenticity and realism. And ....


I might want to take you with me so you should get ready now.

You wouldn't want to miss Milan at midnight ,would you?

Oh, Betty!

I took a magazine with naughty pictures to work last week. We had a good time oohing and aahing over Betty Crocker's Fall Baking cookbook.

Those naughty pictures included ice-cream topped Cinnamon Apple-Berry Crisp, Double Chocolate Cherry Cookies, Pumpkin-Spice Bars with Cream Cheese Frosting, Caramel Pudding Cake. Ummmmmmmmm.


When did things that taste so good become so bad?

Ode to Howie

The girls named the spider that roamed the woman's restroom. I don't know if giving it a name meant they were becoming endeared to the mini-monster or if it was a way to humanize him in an attempt to make him less fearful. It's too late to figure it out now, because Howie (that was his name) ventured out of his kingdom and met an unkind fate, if you know what I mean.

Stephanie wrote an eulogy for the squashed arachnid and so (rather than have to write an entire column myself) I share it with you here.

ODE TO HOWIE
R.I.P.

The spider we all know as Howie passed away tragically today…when a man in a yellow shirt who smokes cigars…decided to take him out. Howie will not be missed…however he was well loved and apparently well fed. Howie must have been a part of secret covert operation…where scientist experiment creating today’s super spider. They apparently are able leap small buildings in a single bound…growing at incredible rates…and are faster than a speeding bullet. Rest is in peace Howie.

Time in a vacuum

My manager called me at work today just as I was leaving for home. He's in California, I'm in Indiana. I don't know how he knew I was leaving.

Anyway, he said he'd call me back tomorrow, then asked "You are coming in tomorrow, aren't you?"

I responded in the affirmative, "I plan on it. God willing and the creeks don't rise."

He laughed and said, "That's right. You never know if you're going to get up in the morning or die in your sleep. Hey, could you do something for me? Just in case, can you give me the name of somebody that can replace you?"

That's cold. Just cold.

"No man goes before his time ----

unless the boss leaves early.

.... Groucho Marx

The Itsy Bitsy Spider on Steroids

There is a spider in the women's restroom at work.

I haven't seen it personally, but I have heard of its ferociousness from Stephanie and Denise. Stephanie swears it has doubled in size in one week and judging from Denise’s description it’s now at least as big as a large mouse. It has caused them quite a bit of excitement and heart palpitations recently.

I went in to hunt it down for them a couple of times, but haven’t bagged it yet. I would let one of the guys do it, but, ahem, it is the women’s restroom. I’m not afraid of most spiders and bugs, but I would like to catch this little bugger. I’m not looking forward to having him catch me with my pants down. Literally.

"Our egos tells us we're the only ones that have any kind of feelings. We're the only ones with a relationship. We're the only ones with family. You know, I think that if you kill a spider, there is a relationship that you're ruining. There's a conversation going on outside with the other spiders.

'Did you hear about Chris?....Killed yeah....Sneaker. And now Stephanie has nine hundred babies to raise all alone.

'Well, she's got her legs full I'll tell you that right now.

'Chris was so kind, wouldn't hurt a fly. It's just been tough for them lately. They just lost their web last week.

'Those humans think they're so smart. Let them try shooting silk out of their butt and see what they can make." ..... Ellen Degeneres

Monday Morning Woes

This morning before I went to work I played a game of Solitare with Julie. Not a good way to start a Monday morning.

Now don't get me wrong, I like spending time with Julie, but not playing Solitare on Monday morning.

I got to go first. I had 5 vowels, including 2 U's (no Q), but managed to make a word. Julie got a 7-letter word on her first play. And her second.

I had 6 vowels by the 3rd play but played well enough my score was in the double digits. Julie didn't play a 7-letter word the third time around. She placed only 6 letters on a triple word square.

I continued to have 5 - 6 vowels through the next 4 plays and I managed to hang on to 2 U's despite playing one. Somehow Julie managed to draw the lone remaining U to go with her Q. She then placed the Q on a triple letter square and the word on a double word square.

After a few more plays, I realized I had no vowels. I congratulated myself for playing two g's to form "egg" and make 10 points. Julie played off the last g on a triple word square and got 30 points.

Final score: Me 261, Julie 466.

When your imaginary friend beats you that badly, you know it's not gonna be a good day.

It's Monday!

It's Monday and I thought you could use a good laugh. Sorry, but I couldn't find any so I "borrowed" these jokes from Suddenly Senior.

HA! Just kidding! These are classics:

I went to a seafood disco last week...
and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day
but I couldn't find any.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron".
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."


http://www.suddenlysenior.com/jokeslatest.html

Put a penny in the old man's hat

Did you notice I added a new link a few days ago? No? Well, look to your right, run your eye down the column till you see Financial Calculators. See it?

Use it. It's free. And how much stuff do you see that's absolutely free nowadays? You don't even have to give them your fake email address.

I found that link last week while I was doing research for an article I want to write on children's savings accounts. I'll share some of the other free sites I found with you as I'll probably never finish the article and you might as well profit from my research. (Profit - that's a play on words. Get it?)

You need to bookmark the Annual Credit Report site if you haven't already done so. From this site you can request one free credit file disclosure a year from each of the three national consumer credit reporting companies, Equifax, Experian, and Transunion. If you stagger them, you can get a free credit report every four months. That's handy for checking on any activity that would indicate identify theft.

Check out Oprah's Debt Diet. It has some interesting tips for whittling away debt. For example, you can put $10 a day towards your debt (or in your savings) if you just give up unnecessary items like fancy coffees, cigarettes, sodas, kid's lunches .... Yeah, that's what it said. Kid's lunches. I know the little darlings are expensive, but that's a little extreme, don't you think? Even if you're averse to starving your kids to save a few bucks, Oprah has some fun calculators that will help you figure out how to manage your money.

Investopedia is a good site for learning about investing your money. If you don't believe me, just ask them: "Investopedia is your complete, unbiased, and easy-to-understand educational guide to investing and personal finance. The site has the biggest financial dictionary on the web, hundreds of articles and tutorials, and an investing simulator where you can practice managing a portfolio without putting your money at risk." You can play the stock market here without risking any money. Of course, you can't spend your profits either, but it's a fun way to learn how fast you can make and lose money on Wall Street. Let your kids play. When they get good at it, they can invest their own money and buy their own lunch.

Please put a penny in the old man's hat.

If you haven't got a penny, then a ha' penny will do.

If you haven't got a ha' penny, then God bless you!

.... Mother Goose

Beau Brummel's Closet

Men - I didn't forget your closet. This is what you need for this fall.

1. Merino wool or cashmere cardigan - just don't try to look "cool" by tying the sleeves loosely over your shoulders
2. Pin striped trousers - fashion experts recommend pairing them with a "fun-striped" shirt. I recommend you don't. Doesn't "fun-striped" make you think of Fruit Striped gum?
   
3. Striped shirts - OK, wear them with anything from black pants to blue jeans, just don't wear them with pin-striped trousers.
4. Blazer/Sports jacket - the retro look is in
5. Twill pants - in a variety of colors and patterns.
   
6. Jeans - Oh, look! You're already a fashion uber.

Other stuff:

1. Updated pea coat (Aye,Aye, Matey), retro car coat, or fisherman's coat. (Go for the fisherman's coat - you'll be warmer & hotter.)
   
2. Leather jackets are back (not that they ever went away)
   
3. Henleys (skinny, long sleeved sweaters) - a "must have" (Get the ones with the leather patches on the shoulders. They make you look hot.)
4. A variety of sweaters - remember they were in for women this year? Well, they're in for you too. Note: I didn't read anything about matching sweaters.
5. Include at least one sweater with horizontal stripes
6. Plaids are in for men too, but think twice about what you buy in plaid. Otherwise, you'll just look like a dork.
   
7. Shades of green need to be seen (I just made that up so you could remember it was green. That's muted green shades, by the way. Think camouflage greens, not grass green, or Kermit green, or Green Hornet green.)
8. Vests (not the 'goes with the jacket and two pairs of pants' type of vest)
9. Based on the clothes I've seen on "That 70's Show", some 70's styles are back for guys.
10. And the best thing you can wear on your arm? Your favorite girl.
    

This actually went down the runway with the caption "striking a romantic, confident tone". Is it just me or does it look like he borrowed that shirt from his girl friend?

The Overflowing Closet

While we're talking about fall, let's discuss this year's fall fashion trends. Why? I don't know, unless it's to poke fun of them.

Either the 40's, 50's, or 80's are back depending on who you ask (and probably on how old they are.)

Sweaters are back - oversized sweaters, sweater dresses, and sweater coats. Sweaters are going to new lengths to be noticed - like to the floor.

Which is odd because jackets this season will be cropped. (Guys: that means they end at or above the waist.)

Jumpers are back. (Guys and English readers: an American jumper is a sleeveless dress worn over a blouse or sweater. I was wearing one when I got the nickname Bubbles, but that's a different story. Sorry to digress.)

Skin-tight pants are hot. (Nobody should wear skin-tight pants unless (1) they're underfed models or (2) they're working the corner.) Wide belts are back. Leggings are in, but shorter - like just below the knee. (think Kimmie Gibbler from Full House). Ugly little high-heeled booties are new. (I added the ugly commentary, but wait till you see them and see if you don't agree.) Hats, hats, hats of all shapes are back. (Good - I love strange hats. If I didn't have such a big head, I'd wear more of them.)

Plaids are on everything. The in fall colors are black, somber smoky grays, camel, taupe, chocolate browns, navy blue, apple cinnamon, red mahogany, plum, pistachio and spruce. Blue leaning toward teal was popular. (Guys: translates to shades of black, browns, blue, red, green, and purple.)

They showed this as an example of what was seen on the Paris runway for fall, but I don't think it hits any of the hot trends except a couple of the in-colors. But then, I'm not even sure what it is: