if it's not one thing, it's another

I'm being a real whiny-butt this month. I got past the killer headache, but now my neck is hurting all the way down my right arm. I bought a new pillow today to see if that would help. It's at least the third new pillow I've had in a year because I can't seem to find one that is comfortable. Most of the pillows I see in the stores are too fluffy so I bought a cheap one thinking that the fluffy wouldn't last long. Despite my reputation as a tightwad, I didn't get the cheapest pillow available. I spent an extra $7.99 to get the non-allergenic one because my allergies are acting out this week.

I think the headache, stiff neck, foot pain, stuffy nose, and general ennui are due to work. I like to blame all my troubles on work. I believe that I wasn't meant to labor like commoners. I should be lying on a feather bed somewhere having my every wish attended to before I even ask.

I must have been Cleopatra in a former life. Or maybe Marie Antoinette - that would explain the pain in the neck.

Boil and Bubble

I just finished eating dinner. I had blackened salmon patties. The recipe said to cook them until golden brown then gently flip them over and repeat on the other side. Sounds simple, doesn't it?

Mine went straight from raw to black, skipping the golden brown stage entirely. I flipped them over quickly, not gently, but the crust held them together so that I could blacken the other side.

They didn't taste burn; they were actually quite good. I think the whole grain bread I used as bread crumbs gave the patties a hearty flavor without overwhelming the salmon. I credit the bread for the crunchy crust while I blame it for the dark color.

With the salmon patties, I had corn on the cob and carrots in balsamic vinegar. Do you want to know about the smoke alarm? If you've read my cooking exploits on this blog before, you know if I'm cooking, my smoke alarm is blaring.

With the salmon patties, I had corn on the cob, and carrots in balsamic vinegar. I boiled the corn in a kettle without a lid. I stood there watching the corn steam and the carrots boil and the salmon blackened, and marveled that the kitchen siren was silent. That's when it went off.

When I say I can't boil water without setting off the fire alarm, I really mean it.

Where's Julie?

Josh asked me if I had played Scrabble lately. I know why he asked. He misses Julie. You remember Julie? Long legs, flowing blond hair, a smile that starts in her deep blue eyes and ends in a laugh that makes angels jealous. Yeah, that Julie.

Well, I haven't played Scrabble with Julie lately because Julie's somewhere in Europe, but not the usual tourist haunts like Paris, Madrid, or Rome. I've been getting postcards from obscure, picturesque little villages with hard to pronounce names like Kuressare (I think it's in Estonia) and Tarifa (in Spain) which is famous for it's windsurfing.

I think this week she's somewhere in the south of France, or maybe Greece. Somewhere strolling along a Mediterranean beach. Picnicking on fine wines, mellow cheeses, and hearty artisan breads. Lounging on the deck of some Greek god's yacht. Exploring centuries old architectural gems. And when time allows, working on her tan, her all over tan, if you know what I mean.

Ya can't please everyone

I have to say it. Those guys singing the parody of Rick Nelson's Garden Party for Appleby's should be ashamed of themselves. I know he's spinning in his grave everytime that commercial plays.

The Anvil Chorus

I have had a stiff neck and a bad headache all week and it's wearing me out. I'm complaining about it today because it feels like someone is trying to remove the top third of my skull with a pair of vise grips and if any more pressure is applied, my left eye is going to pop out of its socket and go bouncing across the floor.

In case you're wondering about the difference between a "bad" headache and a "good" one ... two aspirin or a cup of tea can cure a good headache, but there is nothing that takes care of the bad headache. Not even a chocolate chip cookie.

Would you like a little cheese with that whine?

Like a lot of people around the world, I don't like my job very much. I know I could have a lot worse job, but sometimes during the day when I'm particularly frustratated a whole lot worse seems a whole lot better.

Epsom Salts

Last weekend I bought a packet of Epsom Salts for a foot ailment I have had since December. While reading the back of the package I learned that besides being an excellent foot soak, Epsom Salts can be used as a compress to reduce the inflammation and swelling of sprains, as a soothing and relaxing bath, as a laxative, and as a plant food.

That is one versatile little mineral!

I can understand how someone discovered its use on plants. I'm sure Grandma was regularly soaking her feet and throwing the used water with the dissolved salts out the back door to water her petunias. When the petunias started looking better than those by the front door, somebody put 2 and 2 together and found a new use for Epsom Salts.

But I'm still working on the laxative. Was Grandpa watching Granny soak her feet and decided if it made her feet smooth, it ought to work wonders on his piles, from the inside out?

Happy Father's Day

One of my friend's just found out that she is going to give birth to a daughter in a few months. Lucky family! This post is for the man who will be the new father.

I hope you realize how much work being the father of a daughter actually is.

The first week she comes home to you, you will get up in the middle of the night because she's crying and you want to make sure nothing is wrong. You will get up in the middle of the night because she's not crying and you want to make sure everything is all right.

Remember that it is a father's responsibility to protect a daughter from all things at all times. This includes things that crawl, things that are icky, things that might hurt, things that look like they might hurt, the dark, under-the-bed monsters, in-the-closet monsters, dirty words, the first day of school, the second day of school, and boys.

You have to teach her to throw a ball, climb a tree, ride a bike, drive a car, respect her mother, tie her shoes, know right from wrong, and to not need you to protect her.

You will need to teach her the tenets of your faith, but allow her the curiosity to find her own.

You not only have to teach, you have to learn. It will help if you can learn to like kittens, give piggy back rides, braid hair, tie a pretty bow, hold a doll right side up, and sip invisible tea from impossibly small cups.

You’d better learn to love sticky hands, sticky kisses, neck-breaking hugs, incessant giggling, unexpected tears, lop-sided home-made Father’s Day presents, and light-up-the-sky smiles that will rival the sun. That's the easy part.

While she will always be Daddy’s little girl, you’ll have to help her find the wisdom to become a woman when the time comes to leave you. That's the hard part.

Remember?

Do you remember when I told you that I had posted a "dream board" of things I wanted to accomplish because I was told in some class I was taking and some book I read that this was a good way to accomplish your goals and realize your dreams?

And I promised that I would keep you informed of the success/failure of the board in case having the ideas in front of me every day would actually help?

Update: the "board" (which was actually a piece of 8" x 11" paper taped to the wall) fell down weeks ago and I don't know where it is.

So go my dreams.

Oh, Crap!

I park my car in a carport along with 6 to 8 other cars. For the past several springs, starlings have built nests in the rafters over our cars and the inevitible happens. Until the babies are grown and the nests abandoned, our cars get spattered with bird droppings.

This year there is a junky station wagon in the slot two down from mine. Just the other day I said to the car, "They really need to get you a car bra because your front end is falling out." (Sometimes I just crack me up.)

This year, the birds have chosen that car to crap on. For some reason, the starlings have bombarded the station wagon and surrounding area and left the other cars alone.

It gives new meaning to the expression "That car's a pile of crap."

Long may she wave!

June 14th is Flag Day and in honor of that auspicious occasion I am featuring the American Flag today.

I pledge alliance to the flag of the United States of America and to the Republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with Liberty and Justice for all.

O'er the land of the free ...













And the home of the brave...
















Picture of the flag courtesy of Free Clipart or Photos: www.ace-clipart.com
Picture of Iwo Jima courtesy of A View on Cities

Pipe Dreams

One of my favorite classic arcade games is Pipe Dreams which involves putting available pipe pieces in place before the water runs out the end. I frequently play a simple version of it on-line which isn't as fast or as rewarding as the original video game.

In order to increase the play value of this game, I have learned to do color commentary as the water moves through the pipes.

When I'm doing poorly, the announcers let everyone know that I'm a novice.

"Oh, no! That's going to cost her!"
"A rookie mistake, Bill. She appears over anxious today."
"I think this crowd has rattled her this morning, Fran, but if she can force herself to ignore them and concentrate on her plays she has a good chance of making it to the finals."
"Not if she keeps making plays like that, Bill! What was she thinking?"

When I'm doing well at the game, I'm clearly the crowd favorite.

"The fans love this girl, Bill! She can do no wrong in their eyes."
"Yes, Fran, she kno... Oh, no! She missed an obvious connection! Can she correct it in time? She's working frantically to reverse that mistake. The crowd is up on their feet and cheering her on. 62,000! 64! 66! I think she's going to break 75 with that last play, Fran! 70! 72! 74! Yes! She made it!"
"The crowd is going wild, Bill! Watch as she gives them that trademark smile and wave. Ya just got love her, don't you, Bill?"

What do you think? Am I ready for prime time?

John

This is a picture of my baby brother. It's not the way I remember him because he'd put on a lot of weight in this picture and grown older. I always think of him as being in his 20's and much thinner. Maybe because that's how I like to remember me.

He almost looks like a stranger to me. Somebody I never knew. Then I look in those eyes that are sparkling with the absurdity of having a parrot on his shoulder and I know it's John.

Blogging, slogging

It felt like I had blogged almost every day this week, so I was surprised to see the last time was on Tuesday. Actually, I did compose an entry on Thursday, but blogger wasn't working and apparently didn't publish it. It wasn't very good anyway, so no great lost.

But at least it was something. It's hard to think of something to say several times a week without repeating one's self.

Actually, it isn't. I have lots of thought running through my mind; I'm just too pre-occupied with living to take time to make sense of it.

In My Opinion

Old Bill is coming out with a new version of Microsoft Office. I knew it was about time. I'll forego comments about his gouging the World public or how he has given away so much he probably only has a few million billion trillion dollars left because I want to discuss the brand new "Office 12". (It will actually be called 2007 Microsoft Office when it's released to the public.)

The development team promises that this new product is actually user friendly. (You know they say that every time, and every time it's not.) The team had noticed that "too many program features are too hard for many users to find." Their "overriding design goal for the new user interface" was "to make it easier for people to find and use the full range of features these applications provide."

What they don't understand is that most people don't want the "full range of features". It takes too much time and committment for the average user to learn and use all the fancy bells and whistles. Unless you're a computer geek or you like to impress your boss and co-workers with your computer expertise (that makes you a computer nerd, by the way) you don't have a need or desire for that all of that fancy crap.

They have promised a "streamlined, uncluttered workspace that minimizes distraction and enables people to achieve the results they want more quickly and easily".

I saw pictures of the Beta version. They have replaced the toolbars and menus with something they call "The Ribbon." I would estimate that it takes up at least 1/8 of the page. On "The Ribbon" are tabs (similar to tabs found in an Excel workbook) which take the place of some menu items and there are tabs that only appear when needed. Those tabs take up at least 1/8 of the page from the side. So we've got at least 1/4 of the page taken up with handy dandy little tabs, buttons, and icons you won't know what to do with.

I had hoped that they eliminated all those annoying little pop-up thingees that were supposed to be helpful, but weren't - unless you wanted to take the time to learn how to use them, but the only thing I wanted to learn was how to make them go away. Well, the pop-ups aren't little anymore. I can't speak to their usefulness till I have seen them in action. Let's just hope their annoyance factor won't increase in proportion to the size.

Missed you!

I assume the guy I saw out jogging this evening was exercising for his health so he could live longer. I wonder if he thought much about reaching old age while he ran in the middle of the street instead of on the jogging path that runs along that road?

I bet he thought about it a little when I drove around that curve and had to swerve to miss him. He probably had to wonder where he was going to get clean shorts, too.

Here's one they just made up: "near miss". When two planes almost collide, they call it a near miss. It's a near hit. A collision is a near miss....George Carlin, 1992

Myron

I really like this shark, so I developed his bio.

His name is Myron, but he prefers to be called Duke. He was a little wild when he was younger (and still has the scars to prove it), but always managed to swim just below the surface and kept out of real trouble.

He's old and tired and cranky now (like me), but he still likes to talk tuff and scare little children. He often brags, "I don't take nothin' offa nobody."

He has a long time girlfriend named Shirley who admits Myron is rough around the edges, but quickly adds "He treats me good. He's a real sweetie when you get to know him."

This always makes Myron wince.

"Shirley, I told you a million times. Call me Duke and stop tellin' people I'm sweet. You're gonna ruin my rep in the bay."

This always makes Shirley giggle, "And he's good to his mother, too."

Let's face reality

Some of you will be glad to hear that regularly scheduled reality shows are almost over for the 2006 fall television season. The Apprentice is still trying to find a new apprentice for Donald Trump, but that will be decided by this next week. In my opinion, both of the two finalists should just be fired because they both exemplified stupidity while choosing their final team. Here are some rules of business I liked to share with Lee and Shaun.

• Never take business advice from a guy named Lennie.
• Never bring your girl friend along on a job interview, especially if you can't keep your hands off her and your mind on the business.

The bad news is they're bringing 'em back - those strange and wacky reality shows of summer.

• First, let me say I still don't know why they call them reality shows. I've seen cartoons that were closer to the real world.
• Second, I know you don't like reality shows and think they should have died out long ago.
• Third, it's 5:30 in the morning and I'll write what I want. So there.

The summer line-up contains some familiar names like So You Think You Can Dance, Hell's Kitchen, Rock Star, Big Brother, Fear Factor, The Contender, and Last Comic Standing.

• I watched some of So You Think You Can Dance this week and the response for most of the contestants was "Well, you can't."
• Re Hell's Kitchen, if you want to work in Hell, I can tell you where to go to find a job. I've worked there a few times myself.
• Let's hope they get some funny people on Comic. Everybody needs a good laugh after watching some of the other reality shows.

Some of the shows which are new this summer (or at least I never heard of them because I'm too cheap to pay for cable) are My Fair Brady, Fresh Meat Challenge, Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List, The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, America's Got Talent, Work Out, One Ocean View, and Treasure Hunters.

• My Fair Brady actually stars one of the Brady kids - because those guys will do anything to be on television.
• When I saw Fresh Meat, I thought "What the .....", but apparently it has nothing to do with beef or pork and it's far from being a new show (but I'm an old lady so I don't know about these things).
• Kathy Griffin will do just about anything for money and Janice Dickinson will do just about anything.
• America's Got Talent should be hilarious because, let's face it, Americans are one weird bunch of people with some really strange talents.
• One Ocean View sounds like a mix of Big Brother, The Dating Game, and The Bachelor. How disappointing. - the name held such promise.
• Treasure Hunters is a rip-off of a personal favorite, The Amazing Race. However, it lets the viewers play along for a chance to also win a prize from the comfort and safety of their recliners. My kind of adventure.

There are a lot of new and returning shows I haven't mentioned here, but based on what I read some of them may actually kill the reality TV genre.

But then that's what I thought the first time I saw Big Brother.

Jump already, why don't ya?