I have too many boyfriends

And they can't keep their hands off of me.

Al Zheimer likes to visit me at the most inconvenient times, but Gerry Atric is my constant companion.
Arthur Ritis likes to grip my right wrist and Charley Horse keeps squeezing my left calf.
Will Power shoves me out of bed every morning, which is odd because I go to bed with Johnny Walker.

I know it's an old joke, and it's too true to be funny but I couldn't help it. I'm feeling my age this week.

And yours too.

Headlines

On MSN.com today noteworthy headlines included:

1. Pilot on errant flight: 'Nobody was asleep' - Did you hear about this? The pilot and co-pilot missed the airport by 150 miles. Luckily, they realized their error before they tried to land. Whatever the reason, it must have been a doozy because they won't admit to nothin'.
2. Top 10 Homemade Buiscuit Recipes - My grandma's recipe wasn't included so they weren't really the top 10, but some look interesting. They include cornmeal buiscuits, Trisha Yearwood's "Daddy's Buiscuit" (which look good and fast), spiced buiscuits, sweet potato and pumpkin recips, and a plain recipe that uses only 2 tablespoons of buttermilk.
3. Can she stop her chin hairs from growing? - The lady who needed an answer to this question also complained that they were now gray. That seemed to be why she wanted them to stop growing. As if it didn't bother her before.
4. Man in Motorized Lounger Cited for DUI- I wanted to know how he got out of the house and if there was a cooler built into one arm or both. The article reported he was leaving a bar and the lounger had a cup holder and stereo, but said nothing about a built-in cooler.

There now you have something to talk about.

Sometimes I lisp.

I've been trying for 15 minutes to log in to this blog this evening. Now I have to go fix supper and I don't have time to think up any thing witty or pithy to say.

Well, pithy I might be able to do. If you know what I mean.

Wii and Mee

I think I told you I bought a Wii several months ago. I planned to use it to get more exercise since I can't exercise outside when it's too cold (under 50) because I wheeze nor can I exercise outside when it's too hot (over 75) because it's too hot. So far Wii hasn't motivated me to get my lazy butt off the chair more than once a month, but I do trip over the balance board frequently.

Saturday I bought the new Biggest Loser Wii game that's supposed to whip you into shape much like the TV show does its contestants. Yesterday afternoon I loaded it up and started a beginner's program. It had me warm up for 6 minutes by walking and jogging in place - not that one could see much difference between the two when I did them - then I selected an easy 16 minute upper body workout. It consisted of "boxing" and push-ups.

I like boxing. I don't like push-ups.

I did the boxing as best I could, but co-ordination is NOT my middle name and I had trouble following the simple steps. Step forward on the right foot as you punch with the right arm, touch step the left foot and jab with the left arm, step back on the left foot and then the right. Sounds easy, doesn't it?

HA! I've got 2 left feet and they both tried to do the right foot routine. Then Jillian (the trainer) threw in lifting the right knee up as you brought the right foot back. I found if I just stood on the balance board, I got a "perfect" from the feedback meter. Apparently, I'm pretty good at standing around, doing nothing.

I gave up punching and tried to get the foot work down, and almost succeeded.

Then they switched to push-ups. From the floor. I don't do floor work so I sat on the couch and watched Jillian and my fat little avitar do some "planks" and some push-ups.

Then back to the "boxing". Then back to the couch. Then back to the "boxing". Then back to the couch. I kept waiting for different exercises, but it never happened. Even Jillian looked bored. My fat little avitar was off screen most of the time - I think she'd found her own couch behind Jillian's back.

We did do every step of the cool-down routine. Actually "step" may be the wrong term. We stood on the balance beam and did arm stretches.

Then I had a piece of chocolate cake. Without ice cream.

I've been thinking

I was watching TV last week and somebody recommended that if you like mashed potatoes but don't want all the calories, you can substitute mashed cauliflower because it looks and tastes a lot like mashed potatoes. I'm thinking that if mashed cauliflower tastes like your mashed potatoes, you need a new recipe for mashed potatoes.

I've been thinking that some hot apple cider would taste pretty good. It's been about 20 degrees colder in Indiana than normal for this time of year and it's chilling me to the bones. You know, what? I don't think I'd say No to a piece of hot apple pie either. Do you like yours with cheese or ice cream? I'm an ice cream girl myself. I don't think cheese and apple pie really go together.

Do you know what tastes really good together? Raw apple slices and popcorn. Try it sometime, I think you'll like it.

I keep thinking I'm going to the Apple Store at Conner Prairie, but I only remember to think about it when I'm home and already been to where I was going and don't feel like going out again. It will probably close for the season before I remember to go.

Sometimes I like to ask my co-workers "What do you think?" and then I add "or do you bother to think at all?" So far, none of them have answered the second question.

Here's a fun thing to do when somebody says, "I've been thinking". Look surprised and ask, "Why, is it Tuesday?"

Happy birthday to me...

or birthday musings.

Yesterday was my birthday. That means I'm older than I was this time last week. But then, so are you.

I didn't have chocolate cake on my birthday. A big disappointment. But then, I had a chocolate pudding cup before I went to bed. Not the same thing at all.

I got a new game for my birthday, but I don't like it. It's for stupid people.

I didn't get a pony. Nor a bicycle. Nor a Betsy McCall doll. And I didn't get a piano or a set of drums. But then, I didn't get underwear either. Six or sixty, birthday presents of underwear aren't that great. Super Hero underpants and lingere are different.

I had a picnic on my birthday. That was nice. Cool, but nice.

Mike bought me lunch on Wednesday for my birthday. He's sweet like that. He buys me lunch even when it's not my birthday.

I got some nice cards and emails from friends and family. Reminding me I was older.

To sleep, perchance to dream

I had a weird dream last night. I know almost all dreams are weird. At least the ones we remember.

Anyway, most of this dream I could figure out what brought on the different scenes, but one scene was unsettling and I can't get it out of my head.

• I dreamt about a hospital lobby - We talked about a hospital lobby when I had lunch with a friend yesterday.
• In one scene, a former manager was in the lobby selling trinkets for 5 cents apiece - we talked about the manager at lunch and I had watched an old TV show in the afternoon where a sign on a shelf in the General Store said "Everything on this shelf 5 cents".
• There was a scene in a hair salon - I meant to get my hair cut on Monday, but didn't.
• A hair stylist decided she was going to cut my hair with the top half cut so it would curl under while leaving the top half longer. In the old TV show, one of the women had a do something like that but I couldn't figure out if the top part was cut short or was tightly curled. Or the stylist could have been describing a sissified mullet. I kept saying No, I don't think so, but she wouldn't leave me alone.

Anyway, this is where is gets strange to me. The hair stylist decided to show me the style on somebody else who I assumed was in the next room, but, of course, she wasn't. It occurred to me several times in the dream that I was really stupid for following this hair stylist I'd never seen before to goodness-knows-where, but I didn't want to be rude.

Anyway, when we got to this place where the haircut was, a middle-aged, but well-worn man (if you know what I mean) was in the front room/porch and the stylist showed him my purse and they admired it for a while which made me wonder if I was there to be robbed. He asked where I got it and I tried to answer but his conversation kept darting between the purse and pop-corn shrimp. (We ate lunch at a sea food restaurant and my friend paid.)

When we finally entered the home, it was plain that it had probably never seen better times. The carpetless, scuffed floor was cluttered with papers and bits of stuff, and the rooms that Icould see were sparsely furnished. An old woman and man were in the living room, semi-reclining on the floor, rehearsing a play/movie from the 1920's, complete with costume. (Got no idea where that scene came from - the old TV show was a western, circa 1880's). The old man apologized, but I responded, "That's OK. I've been in lots of homes where people are busy living." (I'm quite profound in my dreams, don't you think?)

Fade out, and fade in to dinner at the same house. OK, here's the really weird part that won't get out of my head.

A young boy was sitting at the end of the table using a cat for a spoon. At least, I think that's what he was doing. He held the cat in one hand (like a fork or spoon) and dipped its paws in a plate. (The paws were held together kind of like they were praying.) The boy put the paws to his mouth and I think he was eating the food that was between the paws, or ... he was eating the cat.

All the news that's fit to print

My cousin sent me an email with a bunch of advertisements and articles scanned from newspapers. Actual newspapers, as they say. I'm going to share them with you because this is better than anything I can make up.

In 1999, a "star reporter" from Colorado Springs wrote that "Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25". Huh, I would have thought the decrease occured at a much earlier age, or not at all.

Phil Haywroth wrote "Fish need water, Feds say". Yep, you can always count on your government to get right to the heart of a problem.

The Register Guard reported that Lane County would "pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds". Another example of government hard at work spending "their" tax dollars.

The Utah Poison Control Center warned everyone "not to take poison". What would we do without these helpful reminders?

A World staff writer reported "Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons". I think they were looking for drugs, but was anybody really surprised when they found weapons at a gun shop?

One article was titled "Alton attorney accidently sues himself." Wonder who won?

A police report from Hagerstown, MO, said "Police: Crack found in man's buttocks". Do you suppose the police or the reporter thought that one up? According to the report, they found 15 bags of crack cocaine "in his buttocks" while they were searching his home. Yeah, I know. It's not a pretty picture.

Someone offered for sale "A collection of old people". There was no asking price in the ad, but I would think a collection like that would be priceless.

Another add carefully described a car with a price of $4,500, but the last sentence in the ad was "Not for sale". I bet there's a story there. I don't know it, so I'll make one up. Wife says "You have to sell that car now! Put an ad in the paper today!" and husband says "OK! But if we don't get any takers, you can just stop nagging me. Deal?"

Debra Jackson reported she liked shopping at the Dollar Palace because it was convenient and casual. "I don't have to get all dressed up like I'm going to Wal-Mart or something".

Some of my ancestors were Irish

Lately I have been watching epicodes of Ballykissangel, an Irish television series, and the little voices inside my head are now speaking with an Irish accent and talking to people with names that I can't pronounce and can't spell. (The voices don't care. They aren't talking to me right now.)

As I've mentioned before, I find British, and now Irish, television to be frequently unsettling as they have no problem killing off regulars. In America, for the most part (and not counting daytime soap operas that kill off anybody any time and later bring them back as their own twin sisters even if they were brothers before their demise), the main characters of a series leave intact and of their own volition. Sometimes you get shot and we think you're dead, but in a season or two when you couldn't get decent work anyplace else, they bring you back and explain it was all just a dream.

Not the British. Not the Irish. They just kill you off and be done with it.

So far in Ballykissangel, the agnostic owner of the local pub died of electrocution. As this was a month or two after she was married and an hour or two after she and the local priest declared their love for each other, some in the village were thinking it was only just punishment. But to make it worse, Father Clifford, in his grief, left Ballykissangel and the series. I wasn't upset at their departures. Disappointed, yes, because I liked both Father Clifford and Asumpta and hated to see them replaced, but I didn't shed any tears.

On the other hand, last night they killed off Ambrose, the local Garda (policeman to you). I've seen the series before so I knew it was coming. His fickle little wife, Niamh, had decided she loved somebody else and was going to leave him, not because he was a poor husband, far from it, but just because she had 'the grass is always greener on the other side' disease. Ambrose's heart was breaking because he knew they were growing farther apart and he didn't know why and he didn't know how to stop it, so he turned off his police radio and took a walk along the craggy Irish sea side. The whole time he's walking and thinking, Niamh is off betraying him with her new boyfriend and I'm crying buckets of tears because I know Ambrose, with his breaking heart, isn't coming back from that walk. He dies while saving a couple of tourists that are stranded on a rock with the tide coming in. Even in the next episode, when his Mummy came to visit for her grandson's birthday, she teared up and I teared up. But I never cried when Niamh cried. My heart was hardened against her.

That's BallyK for you. The people aren't plastic surgery pretty, their teeth aren't artifically white and straight, the priests stray, the girls have freckles, people you like die, and life goes on.

Remind you of any place you've been lately?

Let's chat

Happy birthday to my bother who's getting to be really, really old as opposed to me who's only medium old.

For my birthday (which is a week after his), I took a week off, as usual, starting today. As usual, those of you in my home state can expect rains, possibly late tornadoes, and/or snow this week. I don't care. I'm staying inside and rejoicing that I don't have to go the Dumbass company for over a week! Woo-hoo!

I already bought myself a birthday present. A course in Gaming for Teenagers - meaning how to program games on your computer, not how to game your parents out of a bigger allowance. I don't know what possessed me to buy it (except it was a "bargain"). I'll probably be so frustrated by the end of the first chapter, I'll throw it at the first teenager I see.

My co-worker is also on vacation this week. Remember the cranky pregnant lady I worked with? That's her, but she's no longer pregnant. She's going with her parents, her new baby, and 2 dogs to the next state over. Her dad has to go to a medical clinic there, and while they're in the area they will be visiting family. Wait, it gets worse. Her dad drives, the dogs sit in the passenger seat because one of them gets carsick, her mom and the baby ride in the middle row, and she gets to sit in the back. (I guess we know who's at the bottom of the pecking order in that family.)

Do you remember when I testified at a trial last February? I told you I took a trip, but I probably didn't tell you I testified while the trial was on-going, but that's what I did. Me and several other people that I used to work with testified for the prosectution. A few weeks ago the defendent was sentenced to 9 years in jail. Not only was he greedy, he was stupid. It's nice to know that sometimes stupid people eventually get what they deserve.

I finally rented a storage locker. It's small and overpriced and I haven't had a chance to move anything in yet. So earlier this week, I asked my landlord (again) if there was a garage available. The garages here are half the price of the storage locker and twice as big and I've been trying for 3 years to get one. Yesterday, I got a note to call about a garage so it looks like I might get one. Finally. After I rented a locker elsewhere.

OK, I'm done chatting. It's your turn now.

It's lunch time

I frequently take my lunch to work. Why?, you may well ask. Well, there are 3 main reasons: (1) It's cheaper (2) It's cheaper (3) It's cheaper.

For two years I've been on a search for the perfect lunch bag. Not too big, not too small, keeps cold foods cold, has space for a fork and napkins away from the ice packs but not on the outside, holds a drink as well as the food, etc, etc. I finally found it.

Actually, I found two. A big one and a littler one. The big one has a mesh pocket on the outside for my refillable water bottle and is big enough to hold a TV dinner (one of the steamer kind with the cut off corners). The littler one holds a sandwich and fruit on the inside and has an outer zipped pocket for utensils and chips. It also has a pocket on the outside for a drink. And it doubles as a back pack - if you're 6 years old, which I am not.

And the total cost was less than $20 for the both of them.

I bring this up because I just viewed some "fashionable" lunch bags on Oprah's web site. They didn't look that practical to me (unless you just need something to pack a carrot stick or celery rib) and they cost well over $20 each.

The most expensive was $85 for a lunch box set which has multiple compartments of various sizes that snap together, one on top of the other, to hold wet food, dry food, cold food, and hot food separately. Doesn't that seem like a bother? You need instructions to put it together and take it apart. You've got four containers spread around your lunch area while you're eating. And who's going to wash all that stuff every day?

If you think that sounds fancy, you should have seen her idea of quick and easy meals to pack. The Pan Bagnet sandwich used half a fennel bulb on a baugette with capers and black olives. A fennal bulb sandwich? Yech! (I say Yech, but I don't even know what fennel is.)

Just give me bologna, some mustard, and a couple of slices of bread. To be fancy, I'll eat it with my pinkie in the air.

Mrytle

Did I tell you that the women's restroom on the 9th floor is haunted?

At my age, I'm lucky I can remember my name so if I've already told you this, just go away.

I call the haunt Myrtle. The poor thing comes out when you're in the restroom alone trying to do your business. She moans and grunts like she's constipated (hint: which means if it's you making those noises, you can always blame it on Myrtle) and she rattles the doors and dividers like she can't find a comfortable seat. The fancy faucets are suppose to turn on when you place your hands under them, but Mytle turns on the faucet over the left sink when you think you're alone, then she prevents the faucet on the right from coming on at all while you're standing there waving your soapy hands frantically under the tap.

We had a "new girl", Linda, start in the office today and when we visited the litte girls' room, as they say, somebody asked about the faucet turning on by itself and I explained that it was just Myrtle. Later in the afternoon, Linda came to me and whispered that she had just been to the restroom by herself - except for Myrtle and she wasn't going back in there.