Too Much Information

I finished watching season one of She Spies last weekend. The last few episodes were so in-your-face ridiculous that I laughed out loud. Now I need season two but they haven't released it yet and have no plans to do so. The spy handler in season two was much easier on the eyes to an old lady like me. He wasn't as funny as Jack from season one, but you can't have everything.

Would that be spy handler or spy wrangler? How would that look on your resume?

I made a shopping list yesterday morning before I went to Target. All I had on it was laxative and toilet paper. That struck me as really funny. Sensible, but funny.

I had a stopped-up drain that neither the plunger or a plunger-in-a-jar (ie, chemical drain cleaner) didn't make a dent in. While grocery shopping yesterday I found this long skinny plastic rod for $3 or $4 that promised to unclog my drain without nasty chemicals. It actually worked. It pulled back a hairball half the size of Cleveland. I swear I don't know why I'm not bald, losing that much hair. In the old days, I would have used a wire coat hanger (cost: free), but I don't have any. They're one of those things from the good-ol'-days, I guess.

I'm having chicken and noodles for Sunday dinner.

Sadie get your gun and bar the door!

Yesterday I came home from work just like I do 5 days of the week. As I was opening the door to my humble abode I could hear children laughing, but I couldn't see them because my front door faces away from the sidewalk. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a child run past me and as I turned to see what she was up to I felt a cold shiver run up my left side. There was no child there. No place for a child to hide. No way to escape unseen.

I shoved the door open and rushed inside.

Of course, if it was a spirit child I was in no way safer inside than out.

But if it wasn't, at least my neighbors couldn't see me scolding an invisible child.

Knock 3 times

Remember that old song "Knock 3 times on the ceiling if you want me"?

This morning I had to knock 3 times on the ceiling, but it wasn't because I wanted anybody. I just wanted the idiot upstairs to have a little common sense and respect for his neighbors.

At 5 o'clock, 5 A M on a Saturday morning mind you, the idiot started exercising or something. I don't really know what he/she is doing up there but I assume it's either jumping rope or some kind of exercise equipment. What ever, it sounds like it's coming through the ceiling. He/she frequently exercises on Saturday or Sunday morning and I usually ignore it or leave for a while. I try to be tolerant of my neighbors, even the weirdo's. Maybe especially the weirdo's.

But 5 o'clock on Saturday morning? Pul-leaze!

I tried to ignore it this morning but I couldn't get back to sleep so at 6 I got up and wandered into the living room. Then I could hear not just the exercising but the stereo. My eyes were half shut and I hadn't bothered to turn on any lights, but I found the broom and pounded on the ceiling 3 times. Instantly all the noise stopped. Now you know your neighbor knows he/she is in the wrong when it only takes 3 knocks to produce complete silence.

I don't know how she/he managed to stop what ever was making that noise and simultaneously turn off the stereo. I guess the exercise is paying off in speed and quick reflexes.

Hot wheels

It seems like the only thing I have to talk about any more is the drive to and/or from work. That's because it takes such a big chunk of my time. Yesterday I left work a little after 6, stopped for groceries, and made it home around 8.

A 2 hour commute is more than I bargained for, but at least I made it home undented and unscathed. Thank the Lord! It was a harrowing drive.

Yesterday morning we were experiencing thunder storms again so millions and millions of people (more or less) went into work late yesterday after the storms had mostly abated (blown east). So almost that many people left work later than normal and my drive to and from the Dumass company had more company than usual.

If that was't enough to raise my blood pressure to dangerous levels, a few blocks north of the state fairgrounds, a vehicle ran a red light. I'm not talking ran through on yellow or at the beginning of a red light. We were half way through the light cycle and it was my turn to cross the street when I noticed this streak of blue metal coming from the left. When I say 'my pedal hit the metal', I'm talking about the brake pedal. I saw that blue streak pass a few inches in front of my car while waiting for that sickening sound of grinding metal as my car scaped the blue paint off - or worse.

But the little devil missed us all. So I just drove on like nothing had happened. I didn't even have time to yell at him or teach him a few pertinent hand signals. A couple of minutes later I did ask myself if I wanted to pull over and throw-up but I decided the moment had passed.

And I was only half way home.

And I have to do it all again tomorrow.

Hopefully without the harrowing part.

Bless you!

You know the Dumass Company moved my office downtown which more than tripled my drive time. I don't like it. To help me bear the drive downtown in the morning and to keep my blood pressure from tripling, I have begun to say what I call "my bless me's".

I start by praying, begging, "Dear God, Bless me and bless this journey. Help me make it to work this morning. Help me make it through the day." Then I move on to Bless the other travelers. Bless the homeless. Give them food and shelter and give them comfort. Bless the soldiers and their families. Give them peace. On both sides. Keep them safe. Bless the world leaders. Help them find peace.

Sometimes I get sidetracked and offer a few choice driving instructions to the idiots weaving through traffic or driving in my space, but then I get back to the blessings. Bless the policemen and the firemen and the postmen and construction workers and everybody else who has to be out on the roads today.

I ask for blessings for my family and friends by name, I ask that my managers be blessed with common sense, I ask for special consideration for foster children and their families. Both of them.

One day I blessed the preachers asking that God give them words of wisdom to share with their congregation in these trying times. This week I blessed the people working at the state fair as I drive by the fairgrounds twice a day. Today I blessed my oldest sister and her husband and their 50th wedding anniversary.

It seems like every day I find someone new to bless. And if I haven't said it before, May God bless you and yours!

Please put a penny in the old man’s hat

If you haven’t got a penny, a ha’penny will do

If you haven’t got a ha’penny

then God bless you!

Jerks

I had to take my car in to be serviced today. It was giving little intermittent jerks when it sat idling at stop signs or while waiting in traffice. It was barely preceptible, but I hate that shuddering and shaking that happens sometimes with old cars. So I called Pat at the service desk and he said Bring 'er on in. So I did.

When I got there, he was on the phone so I waited. And I waited. And I waited some more. Finaly Hank came over and started the paper work. "What do you need today?" he asked. I explained about the little jerking motions and he said, "Idles rough." Now I don't call little jerking motions, "idling rough". Either he was prone to over-statements or he's never been stuck at a stop light in a '67 tri-colored sedan, with one door handle, mis-matched tires, and a coat hanger for an antenna that needed a tune-up 5 years ago.

Anyway, an hour and a half later, they tell me there's nothing wrong with the car.
"Yes, there is," I replied. "You didn't notice those little jerks when it was idling?"

"Well, you could take it for a drive with the service technician and see if you can reproduce the problem."

"Frankly, Pat, I doubt if I can reproduce a problem that only occurs while idling when I'm driving the service tech around, but let's give it a try."

Sam and I went out to the car. "I did the computer tests. They didn't show anything wrong," he said.

I got in the driver's side. He got in the passenger's side. I started the engine. He put on his seat belt. I shifted into drive. We sat there idling for about 30 seconds.

"There, did you feel that?" I asked as the car gave a couple of little jerks.

"Hm, that's strange," he replied.

A half hour later, Pat says, "We found the problem. There's a loose wire on your spark plug. We've got to send away for it and that will be $110. OK? It will take a while to get it so you can leave and comeback. OK? It will be here about 12:30 so come back at 2. OK?

"Huh?"

"My guys go to lunch at 12, 12:30, so they can't get to your car till 1, 1:30. So bring the car back at 2. OK?"

"OK."

I leave, I come back. "This won't take long," Pat assures me.

I sit in the waiting room. Reading a book. Watching court TV. Watching other customers come and go. An hour later, Pat comes in the waiting room. "Hmm, that didn't fix the problem. Looks like a coil is loose. That'll be another $250. OK? They want to replace all the wires, but lets see if the coil fixes it. OK?"

"OK."

An hour and a half later, it's fixed. Or so Pat says.

Valerie offers to sign me up for their "customer advantage" card. It's free so it's a win-win situation. One of every five oil changes is free. You get $10 just for stopping by, then you get 5% off just because and then they put $10 in an account for you to use for service the next time.

"See?"
"No."
"So your bill today is $459 and we'll put $332 on your credit card. OK?"
"OK."

I'd ask what happened to the other $127, but I don't really want to know. I have one item on my bill that's $210 and another that's $150. Nothing for the quoted $110 or $250, so I know they're just making up numbers anyway. You might say they were just rough estimates.

Happy birthday to you and other topics

Yesterday was my Aunt Joan's birthday. I remembered to send her a birthday card. Tomorrow is my friend Weston's birthday. I remembered to send him a birthday card.

That's amazing. I remembered to send two birthday cards before the actual birthdays. Usually I can remember it's somebody's birthday and that it's sometime this month, but I don't usually remember who or when before the fact. I'm very proud of myself. It's the only positive thing I've accomplished in about a month.

The new office. It's wearing me out. Tuesday I had to drive through torrential rains, record setting rains, to get downtown. I'm lucky I didn't drown. No, really. I'm lucky I didn't drown. But I shouldn't complain. I just saw the headlines on iGoogle. Dozens dead in Indian mudslides. A million in China flee typhoon. My little problem of a rainy drive and working in wet clothes all day pales in comparison, doesn't it?

Now my car is acting funny. It gives a little jerk every few minutes when it's idling at stop lights. I suppose I need to take it into the shop and let them rip me off again. But at least I have a car and I have the money to get it fixed or buy a new one if it comes to that.

If I keep working. We're supposed to find out this month if we have a job after November. They were supposed to tell us last April if we were going to have a job after July, then they were going to tell us in May, then in June.

It's wearing me down. Uncertainty. Little things. The big things I can cope with. Eventually they get over and done. But the little things. They're relentless.

Like birthdays.

Are you being served?

I think that's what the sales clerks and floor walkers ask if you go shopping in Britian. There is a long running, rather strange, but very funny television show by that name. Are there any stores left with floor walkers? Were they the fore runners of Walmart greeters?

The greeter at Walmart gave me a cart today. They rarely do that. I think if they're going to get paid to stand in the doorway, they should give me a cart.

I went shopping today - I started at 7:30 and got home by noon. I hit Walmart, Meijers, Barnes and Nobles, Kohl's, Office Depot, Mennards, and Culvers. There was only one of those stores where nobody asked if they could help me find anything. More than one person asked at most of the stores and at one store the offers to assist me were so frequent as to be almost annoying.

Almost, but not quite. Too many is better than too few.

Sometimes the clerks just smiled and said Hello and they said it like they meant it. Don't you hate it when a clerk or waiter says "Hello, How are you today" while they're running away from you?

Sometimes the clerks engaged me in conversations. The old lady at Meijers wants to know why teachers have such long lists of supplies for school children. Her kids never needed all that stuff and they didn't even have Trapper notebooks, just paper with lines. The lady in the Movies and DVD's department at Barnes and Nobles doesn't know why they have the DVD's mixed in with the CD's or why the sign saying "Educational" was placed over the British DVD's instead of the educational ones. The guy at Office Depot with the red hair is named Ken. There's a woman at Kohl's that will help you find the perfect purse - if there is such a thing.

Nobody at Mennards asked if they could help me and I needed help there. I went in for two things and left with nothing.

The moral of this story is: If you want me to buy something, give me a cart.