I hab a cold

Did you miss me?

I just got back from LA where I went to give a presentation. The only souvenir I brought back with me was this cold. My nose alternates between runny and stuffy (meaning that sometimes one nostril is so stopped up that no oxygen can penetrate while the other one drips grossly, then they alternate), my throat is scratchy, my eyes burn, my left ear crackles and pops, and I have a pitiful cough that sounds fake. I think I feel worse than I look, but I know better than to ask because I'll just get the truth and I'm in no mood to be insulted.

I bought a nasal spray to help relieve my symptoms. The directions said to stick it up your nose, press the "easy to use" garden hose to dispense the medication, and breathe deeply. HELL-LO! If I could breathe deeply I wouldn't need to be using nasal spray, now would I?

Remember when?

Remember when I said that So You Think You Can Dance was the best choice of the "reality" shows this season? I'm not the only one who thinks so. There were 4 or 5 "talent" shows on at the same time Wednesday night, and SYTYCD was watched by more viewers than any of the other shows.

By the way, the voters kicked off the guy with no buttons on his shirt and the girl named Martha.

Remember on July 3rd when I told you about meeting a former co-worker who had recently lost her job? Last week we learned that another unit with which we had worked very closely had been cut in half and more of our friends and co-workers had lost their jobs with no notice. I have heard CEOs of successful companies argue that there is never a good reason to treat employees that way, but it seems like that has become the norm.

Remember when I told you about the stupid conference calls with Bud and Stewie? I had another call last Wednesday. Bud was out of town and couldn't make it. I sent Stewie an email Tuesday asking if he was attending. He said he was. However, when we met, Stewie wasn't prepared so refused to discuss the project except to comment about all the work Bud had done. He said we'd discuss it next week when Bud is back. (In case you missed it, the only thing Bud has done on this project is to annoy and insult me. I was going to say that was more than Stewie had done, but actually Stewie has now managed to do both also. Just not as well.)

I'm only telling you part of this story. You wouldn't believe how much frustrating stupidity I'm omitting.

Next week I'm out of town. I really am, but even if I wasn't, I would be, if you know what I mean. I'm totally tired of trying to work with those worthless twits so I finished writing up the project and Monday it gets sent to all the managers & Bud & Stewie and I'm going to pretend it's a fait accompli. And Bud & Stewie can kiss my fat butt.

Where's the remote?

This is an update on a small selection of this season's "reality" shows. I know you've all been clamoring for this, but first: is it my imagination or are there more "reality" shows on than usual? What ever happened to detective shows? Sit-coms? Westerns? Science fiction? Something that made you think something besides "Yech!"

Reviews:
Big Brother - I saw the first 8 people America voted into the house and left without even saying good-by. In case you don't know the "hook" this time around, America got to decide on which former House Mates got to come back and annoy us. You all know Americans. They voted for the most annoying people. Americans have no sense.

Treasure Hunters - this is one tough show; so far we've lost two contestents to injuries. Which is almost the only entertainment there is. Unless you calculate the average number of times that blonde school teacher screams every show. I think she's up to about 1,486,502.

Hell's Kitchen - what the hell where they thinking? I wouldn't want any of these people cooking for me - or my dog, who died when I was 18.

America's Got Talent - well, some do and some don't. The judges don't.

So You Think You Can Dance - the best choice. The dancers this season are very talented, but you don't have to like dance to enjoy this show. There's something for everyone. The Russian ballroom dancer rarely buttons his shirt and what's her name doesn't like to wear any more clothes than is absolutely necessary when swinging to a jazz tune. I don't know who the costume designer is for this show, but she/he is incredible. The costumes complement the dance like they are a part of the choreography.

The Macabre Theater

I'll apologize now before you even read it.

One moonlit night, Lucky and Lefty were digging in the Bishop Hill Cemetery. They were used to being amongst the ghosts and the goblins that danced around the tombstones because Lucky and Lefty were grave robbers. Festering boils on the veneer of polite society, the lowest of the low, the sneakiest of the sneaky.

The despicable duo weren't having much luck that night. After a couple of hours of digging, they discovered the first plot didn't contain a coffin or a body. Their second effort yielded a coffin full of stones for their backbreaking labor. They continued ruthlessly desecrating the sacred ground and found an empty coffin under the third plot.

Lefty threw down his shovel in disgust, but Lucky set his thin lips determinedly and thrust his spade into yet another plot.

“Cricky!” Lefty protested. “Doesn’t anybody put bodies in coffins anymore? Give it up, mate. It’s almost sun-up and you’re just wasting your time.”

Lucky threw another shovel full of dirt over his shoulder. “I aim to get a head in this business, Lefty, and no body isn’t going to stop me.”

Nobody's there

It wasn't the darkness that scared her. She was comfortable with the dark. She had learned a long time ago that if she couldn't see anybody, nobody could see her.

She crouched low, rocking back and forth, and crooned silently to herself. "It's all right, baby. Nobody's going to hurt you. Daddy will be back soon. He promised."

Suddenly it came to her. It was the stillness that was frightening.

Nobody running. Nobody screaming. Nobody breathing.

She stretched out her arms, trying to feel the presence that she knew should be there. She jerked back, startled, as her hands touched something soft. Hair, she realized. It was hair. She reached out again and discovered the eyes, the nose, the mouth. It was a head. Just a head.

No body.

Another one of those stupid chain letters

This is kind of like those letters you get in your email threatening bad luck if you don't pass it along to 1,000 of your nearest and dearest friends. I stold it from "Suddenly Seniors" and cleaned it up a little, because, like I've warned you before, some of those old geezers are a little raunchy.

This is different than those stupid chain letters because (1) it's not in your email, (2) it's actually funny (if you have a warped sense of humor), and (3) nobody's threatening you with eternal damnation just because you don't read it.

Dear Friends,
When you are sad, I will help you plot revenge against the sorry buzzard who made you sad.

When you are blue, I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile, I'll know you finally got lucky.

When you are scared, I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried, I will tell to quit whining and comfort you with horrible stories about how much worse it was when it happened to me.

When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to you.

When you are sick, stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.

This is my oath, I pledge 'til the end.
Why you may ask? Because you're my friend!

Love,
Martha

If it weren't for bad luck ....

I'm trying to print an important document. Important in that it must look nice, not "life or death" important.

Wouldn't you know it? I can't find my fancy heavyweight paper so I'm printing it out on the cheap stuff I use for everyday printing. Hopefully, I can get to the store tomorrow and buy a box of professional paper in time. Of course, I'll find the old box an hour after I get home with the new stuff.

It's not just that I can't find my paper. My printer needs cleaned also. It just started leaving unslightly streaks on my "important" document. It always happens just when I'm printing something that needs to be neat and clean.

It's 4 minutes till midnight and I don't have time to clean anything right now.

Does anybody want to make book that once I buy new paper and clean the printer, I'll run out of ink?

If it weren't for bad luck,
I'd have no luck at all,
Gloom, dispair, and agony on me! --- HeeHaw

Is it hot enough for you?

You know I have to ask that at least once a summer and today seemed like a good time because it's hot. Too darn hot.

And muggy. I've not seen muggy like this for awhile. Not since I went camping next to a Kentucky lake and the air was so saturated with lake water it was hard to tell where the air ended and the lake began.

That was one of the most memorable camping sites I've ever endured. Aside from the scenery, there was little to recommend the place, but we didn't know that until the tent was pitched and the mosquitoes were biting.

We should have know something was wrong when we found an unused citronella lantern and fresh vegetables in the trash bin next to our site.

We'll forever be grateful to the campers who abandoned the critonella lantern. It kept us from being eaten alive by buzzard sized mosquitoes. The weinie little campers, we called them, sight unseen, not knowing what they knew before they packed up their belongings and fled. To a nice dry hotel bed no doubt since they left much of their disposable camping gear behind.

Even before the sun went down, the humidity was so high that a few moments admiring the scenery left you half-soaked from head to foot.

The site itself was a bed of gravel that turned into rocks that turned into boulders as the night wore on. Walking barefoot across those sharp stones on your way to the bathroom in the middle of the night without waking everyone up with "Ouch" "Ow" "Dang!" "Ouch" was an adventure in stoicism.

Aw, Good times! Good times!

A little change in the menu tonight....

Have you tried Birds Eye Steamfresh frozen vegetables yet? I know this is going to sound like a paid commercial, but it's not.

1. There are 9 varieties (and I've tried at least 4).
2. They come ready to cook with no cleaning, peeling, or chopping so there's no cleanup.
3. They steam in their own bag so there's no pot to wash.
4. They go from freezer to microwave to the table in under 10 minutes.
5. They come out of the bag unbelievably crisp and colorful.

Tonight I had the Broccoli, Carrots, Sugar Snap Peas, & Water Chestnuts with rotini pasta and a two-cheese sauce with garlic . Ummmmmm! Tomorrow I'm going to add a little cheese to the pasta and vegetables, toss with a light horseradish dressing, and enjoy it for lunch.

They are a little more expensive than regular frozen or canned vegetables, but in my opinion they're worth it.

The Courage of Your Convictions

Never lose your sense of outrage. There has to be in all of us a moral thermostat that flips when we are confronted by suffering, injustice, inequity, or callous behavior. — Paul Ylvisaker

First they came for the Jews and I did not speak outbecause I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the Communists and I did not speak out because I was not a Communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist.
Then they came for me ....
--Pastor Niemöller

Hans W. Beecher, CEO of Deere Co said, “Never lose your capacity for indignation. Don’t compromise your sense of values, or allow yourself to become so consumed with your own life that you lose touch with the plight of others. ….Consider what passes for popular cultural today, the common events that have become common place in news papers today. It’s easy to lose our sense of outrage and become desensitized.”

Don't run. Sometimes you have to stand and fight.--Xena, Chariots of War

“It’s one thing to have a strong conviction and be passionate about something, but the question is do you have the COURAGE of your convictions?”....Sarah's Dad

And so on and so on.

Goin' fishing

Last Monday I watched a show about a darling little boy who had a rare, but cruel, disease that was turning him old before his time. He resembled a wizened-faced little alien with enormous eyes and a big, beautiful spirit. He knew he would most likely die while he was still a teen, if he lived to be that old.

The show's host asked him about his future and the little boy said he was looking forward to going to heaven. When asked what he was going to do there, he replied with no hesitation, "I'm going fishing with the Lord."

My goal is to get through one more day at work without kicking anyone in the ass. Maybe I should just plan to go fishing a little more often.

Happy Birthday, America!

July 4th.
Independence Day.
Parades, picnics, baseball games, and fireworks.

It's raining, but don't let that spoil your celebration. Say the pledge of allegience in your bathrobe. Let the kids make a parade out of empty shoe boxes. Throw candy at them every 5 minutes. Have a picnic in the middle of the living room while watching sports on TV.

Take time to think about our freedom and independence. Pray for the politicians; pray that all their decisions are in the best interest of our country. Ask God to bless America and the world she calls home.

In case you can't make it to the speeches, here are some excerpts from around the world.

Shop til you drop

- and it won't take long in this heat.

I went shopping today and I want to make a few observations.

1. I wasn't in the mood to shop. I went to three department stores, a book store, and a grocery store and spent less than $50. That's not like me.
2. It's hot outside!
3. Summer clothes and picnic items are on sale. How can they be on clearance? Summer is just getting started.
4. The young people working at Marsh (grocery store) were more than usually polite and cheerful today.
5. While I'm talking about Marsh --- I got the best watermelon there today. Either it's been a long time (like a whole year) since I have had a watermelon or this one was just extra good. (I recently read a tutorial explaining the finer points of watermelon seed spitting, but, unfortunately, the one I got was seedless so I can't practice.)
6. On the other hand, the bananas I got at Target tasted like insecticide. I think that happens when they get too hot.
7. My plants need watering. (I noticed that fact when I came home because I carried my packages in through the back door where the flower are. They were all gasping and crying out in parched, barely audible voices, "Water! Water! We need water!")
8. There was a lot of road kill smashed on the pavement today. I don't know why particularly today. Do you suppose it has something to do with the heat? The "forest" looks cooler on the other side of the road? It's so hot, it was driving the little critters to commit suicide?
9. Sears Essentials took over the local K-Mart a couple of years ago. Everytime somebody there asks if need help finding something, I want to reply, "Yes, please. I'm looking for K-Mart."
10. A lot of people were off work today, like me.
11. I saw a woman I used to work with at Target today. (I saw her at Target - we didn't work there.) Three weeks ago she lost her job from the same company where I lost my job 4 months ago. She said they had lost 3 contracts recently and a lot of people were shoved out the door or demoted. I hope they all find jobs or can retire on easy street. (All except the president and executive directors, who probably still have their jobs anyway. I don't care if they can't find jobs selling pencils on street corners.)
12. The price of gas went down about 10 cents.
13. They put a new stop light between Sears and Wal-Mart.
14. There's a pot-hole about three feet deep at the mini-mall across from Sears. It looks like a mini-sinkhole.
15. There were a lot of people at the Dairy Queen this afternoon. (I wasn't one of them. It's so hot I was afraid the ice cream would melt before I could eat it.)