I like bread and butter

I bought a new toaster the other day. I'm taking it back tomorrow.

For some reason, I don't know what got into me, I bought it just by looking at the picture on the box. The store didn't have a display model. The picture on the box looked nice. Black. Trim. A bagel button. A stop button. A lift the toast out of the toaster instead of sticking a fork in the toaster and getting shocked lever.

Looks can be deceiving. Oh, it had all that stuff, and more.

1. A silver 7 position browning control knob that was next to impossible to tell what number it was set at by looking at it, but the indicator protruded just enough you could set it by feel.
2. A one foot electrical cord. Maybe it was a foot, probably less. It was positioned at the front of the toaster. Which is just plain stupid. The only other way to put it is "just plain ignorant". And the directions said to keep the toaster 3 inches from the wall. So the cord is 12 inches and the toaster is about 10 inches long. I'll do the math for you. That leaves 2 inches which is less than 3. Unless one wants to put the front of the toaster closest to the wall outlet and reach over the toaster to work the controls, it just ain't gonna work.

But that's not why I'm returning the toaster. I'm returning it because it doesn't toast bread. It chars it.

Do you remember my smoke alarm that goes off when I boil water? It doesn't go off when the stupid new toast burns the last slice of bread in the house and sends clouds of hazy smoke all over the apartment. Smoke that smells like burned toast.

I tried setting the browning control on the toaster near the middle the first time, then the far right, then the far left. As far as I could tell that's what I did. Yield: 1 slice charred bread, 1 charred bagel, and 1 extra crispy bagel. To get one edible bagel, I had to stand over the toaster like a hawk and hit the stop button and even then I was a tad too late.

They just don't make things like they used to.

Odds are.

I just finished an on-line course on Forensic Science. It was very detailed, much more so than what I expected, wanted, or needed to know. But I finished it and I passed the final exam.

So now I'm taking another on-line course on Data Mining. I'm not very dedicated to studying, but I have the rest of my life to finish it so I suppose there's no rush. But then I don't really know, do I?

If I finish the course I suppose I might be able to calculate the odds on that. My age, weight, family history, driving record, etc. all thrown in to some algorithm that spits out my life expectancy. But that sounds more like a statistics course than a data mining course, doesn't it?

I took a statistics course before. As a matter of fact, I majored in statistics in college. But I was never good at figuring out odds.

I'm much better at evens.

Math jokes are so lame.

Remember when

Do you ever say, "I remember when gas was 25 cents a gallon." or "I remember when you could buy a new home for what a car cost today."?

And the kids say, "And how much were dinosaur steaks, you old geezer?"

Well, now you can show them it wasn't that long ago. Check out the Cost of Living Calculator from The Women's Institute for Financial Education (WIFE.ORG) to compare the cost of living between any 2 years between 1900 and 2010.

While you're there you might check out WIFE's Money Clubs. If you tell the rude little whipper snappers that you are a member in good standing of a Money Club they might show you a little more respect. At least until they find out they're not in the will.

HEY!

I want somebody to bake these and send me one or two or maybe four. If I make them myself, I'll eat them all. And while I'm sure I'd enjoy it at the time, I'd probably regret it the next day. Or maybe not.

Pillsbury Bake Off Fudgy Chocolate Chip Toffee Bars

Life's short. Never let a chocolate chip cookie get away.

I have a fever

I thought I had spring fever so I Googled signs and symptoms to verify my diagnosis. But I didn't. Verify it, I mean. I might have spring fever, than again I might not.

Spring fever is a malady that occurs in the spring.
There are psychological and physical manifestations.
Symptoms may include spurts of energy or bouts of lethargy.
One might experience an enhanced euphoria or a deep depression.
It may increase alertness or increase day dreaming.
It might induce feverishness, but not a fever.
Restlessness, disquietude, uneasiness, antsiness can be attributed to spring fever.

If you sneeze, that's spring allergies not spring fever.

Old ladies don't get spring fever. It isn't dignified.

I think I have ennui, malaise, or melancholia.

Let's see. Put the back of your hand on your forehead and languidly announce, "I have ennui."

No, no, no. Stop laughing. Make your eyelids droop a little. Now try it. "I have ennui." "I am stricken with ennui." "Ennui has overtaken me."

I think I'll name my next cat Ennui.

I have a headache

And do you know why I have a headache?

Trust me. I have a right to have a headache.

The door of the overhead bin fell on my head last night as I was hurrying to go home from the Dumass Company. I'm sure it made a loud thud when it hit, and I know I made a very loud noise just before I said "I think I have a concussion." There was only one other person in the office at the time so there was no one to rush to my side to check for bleeding, bumps, and bruises.

Sure, that "one other person" who was sitting 12 feet from my desk as the stars were twirling around my head could have at least asked, "Are you alright?" but I doubt if she could sympathize with a head injury. She's on the "management team" so you know she keeps her head where it's always well protected. Even the sunshine can't reach it.

And see how you like it

Have you ever watched Undercover Boss? That show were the CEO's & presidents & owners of companies go work with their employees to see what's really going on? And they go "in disguise" so nobody knows who they are?

OK, the disguises are just a little better than Clark Kent taking off his glasses to become superman, but when the suits (i.e., executives) take off the suit and tie and put on blue jeans and a flannel shirt, they actually look like the belong with the working stiffs.

They've yet to have a woman go undercover. Are there that few women CEO's or do female suits think they already know what the "little people" are doing and thinking?

Anyway, do you know who I want to see on Undercover Boss? Or Underground Boss, as the case may be.

Don Blankenship, CEO of Massey Energy Co. I want to watch him working deep in a West Virginia Massey coal mine.

Dream Big

Do you remember the maple seedling I stuck in a pot on my patio a few years ago? Because the pot was there and the seedling was there and I wanted to see if I could grow a tree on my patio?

Guess what? I can.

I checked it today and it has leaves on most of the branches. I checked it an hour later and the number of leaves had doubled. I'm really surprised it survived another Indiana winter. This one was short but record setting cold and my little tree is still thriving.

When does a seedling become a sapling? A sapling, a tree?

How big does a maple tree have to be before you can tap it for maple syrup?

A Locked Room Mystery of Life

John 20:19-29.

On Sunday evening, the apostles gathered together to mourn the death of their leader and to discuss who could have taken his body out of the tomb. They made certain that the door was locked because they feared that the men who killed Jesus would come looking for them too. Despite the locked door, Jesus entered the room and said "Peace. Peace be with you."

They couldn't believe it was Jesus, but he showed them the puncture marks through his hands and the wound on his side. The disciples were elated when they saw that it was truly Jesus.

Again Jesus said to them, "Peace be with you. Just as the Father sent me to teach his Word, I am sending you."

Then he breathed on them and said "Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you withhold forgiveness from any, it is withheld."

Thomas was not there when Jesus came, but the other disciples told him, "We have seen the Lord." Thomas replied, "Unless I see the nail prints in his hands and put my hand into this side, I can not believe."

Eight days later the disciples, including Thomas, were again gathered in a locked room. Again Jesus joined them and said, "Peace be with you."

Then he said to Thomas, "See my hands? Feel the marks. Reach out your hand and put it into the wound on my side. Do not doubt me, but Believe."

Thomas fell to his knees crying out, "My Lord and my God!"

Jesus said, "Because you have seen me, it is easy for you to believe. Blessed are those who have not seen me and yet still believe."

And so it is written that if you believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, you too shall have life after death in His name.

HAPPY EASTER! HAPPY LIFE!