Old is as old does

I'm old and I'm tired, but I'm not dead.

I was talking to a 28 year old today who told me he was too old to change careers now. I really hope he was kidding. I was older than that and had been a nurse for 10 years when I went back to school to get a degree in mathematics. (Honestly, most people thought I was crazy, and truthfully, some still do, but it's not because I majored in statistics.)

He said he never heard of Grandma Moses. That prompted me to write this blog entry. You may never be what you want to be, but you can be what you are even when you're as old as me and the others mentioned here (who, by the way, were even older than I am now when they changed careers.)

Anna Mary Robertson Moses, aka Grandma Moses, was way old (in her late 70's) when she developed a new style of painting. You may never have heard of her either, but she is considered one of the most important self-taught artists of the 20th century and was popular throughout Europe and Japan as well as America. It would cost you over a $100 to buy one of her less expensive art prints at a gallery today (not an original, but a print).

I know you've heard of Colonel Harland Sanders. Sanders was collecting Social Security before he created the Kentucky Fried Chicken chain. Today, he's an international icon. (By the way, you can buy a bucket of his chicken for about $10, less with a coupon.)

Remember Ronald Reagan? After 28 years as a sportscaster and actor, he became Governor of California and was elected President of the United States after his 69th birthday - twice .

Peg Phillips was a 65 year old retired accountant when she enrolled in the University of Washington Drama School. While a freshman, she landed a recurring role as the shop keeper Ruth-Anne on TV's Northern Exposure and continued to act in television, commercials, and movies after the show ended.

Do you still think you're too old to change careers? Honey, don't ever get that old.

A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams. ~John Barrymore

Crazy old ladies

This is a story you will probably hear several times during the upcoming 2006 Olympic Games, but some of you can say you saw it here first. In 2002, fellow blogger Anne Abernathy was named by the Guiness World Book of Records as the oldest woman to ever compete in the Winter Olympics. Now over 50, she's doing it again. (http://www.grandmaluge.com/blog/raceseason.html)

None of the winter sports are for wimps, but "Grandma Luge" competes in that strange sport called The Luge, also known as The Fastest Sport on Ice. The luge is a small sled with no head or leg supports, no mechanical steering, and no brakes. Athletes use only brute strength to steer and brake as they hurtle feet first down a narrow track at over 85 miles an hour.

Go, Granny, go!

Anne was affectionately nicknamed "Grandma Luge" in 1993 by fellow athletes and fans who realized it isn’t easy to compete successfully in a sport generally dominated by 20 year olds when you’re twice their age. Today at age 51, she is preparing for her sixth Olympics. She explains why she's going to participate in the games instead of watching from a rocking chair, "When I was in my 40's, people thought I was too old to compete. Now I'm over 50 and I'm old enough to do whatever I want."

Crazy old ladies. Doing whatever they want.

The Lifeguard Beckons

Some of you may be happy to know that I am progressing on my screenplay. The title page certainly is eye-catching with my name nicely centered under the title. I also have the first line and the last line done.

Fade in and Fade out.

The lines looks nice on the page. Correct font, appropriate margins flanking the left and right sides. I suppose it would look nicer if there were words in the middle, connecting the beginning to the end.

Writing 100 pages is a little like going into the ocean on spring break. You don't want to do it. You know the water is going to be cold so you procrastinate as long as you can. You spread your blanket on the sand. You find a better place two feet away so you do it again. You find just the right place to hide your keys and money. You pretend you're flirting with the lifeguard who's not even looking your way. You move your blanket again.

Eventually you convince yourself you have to do it. That's why you drove straight through Georgia without stopping. That's why you're shivering on the beach instead of curled up in the nice warm bed in your hotel room. That's why you spent $110. 59 on a new bathing suit. So you stride confidently to the water's edge and plunge in. The cold water smacks you in the face and takes your breath away. That's when you realize that the $110.59 was spent to impress the life guard, not to risk pneumonia. You flee the icy fingers of the ocean and retreat to your room. You vow to come back in the afternoon when the sun is warmer, brighter. Besides the lifeguard can appreciate your new suit better when you're not blue.

Writing 100 pages begins with convincing yourself to plunge in and start writing. You set your margins and the tabs exactly so, you get the title page just right, then the first line, and the last line. That's when you realize that you'd rather be flirting with the lifeguard.

Does anybody really know what time it is?

Indiana is going to start Daylight Saving Time this spring. Our govenor considers it one of his greatest accomplishments, claiming it will save Hoosiers millions of dollars and bring businesses beating down our barndoors. Most Hoosier take a perverse pride in being Hoosiers and in doing all things the Hoosier-way, which means playing basketball and not messing with Mother Nature. To us, when it came to Daylight Saving Time, Hoosiers were right and the rest of the nation was wrong (except for Arizona and Hawaii who still see no need to screw with time.) We were special. Indiana even had it's own time on computer clocks.

Honestly, what does DST accomplish? You can't really save time, it's not natural expecting people to get up before the sun does, and cows hate it. Really, Mitch, nobody likes a disgruntled cow.

I used to work in a state that changed clocks twice a year. I worked the third shift and I swear I was always at work when the night was an hour longer and at home asleep when it was an hour shorter. Really, Mitch, nobody likes a disgruntled me.

Get use to changes, fellow Hoosiers. (1) The clock on the wall changes twice a year. (2) The names of time zones change each time DST comes and goes. (3) This year DST runs from April 2 through October 29. Next year (and every year after, until America comes to its senses), it runs from March to November. (4) What next? six months of the year we're Indiana and the other six months were Anaidni?

I'm warning you now - Don't go there

The other day I watched a woman teach hula dancing. I don't remember where or why, but I assume it was on TV because it would be silly to run, or even dance, around in a grass skirt in January in Indiana.

I did remember that she said to make a figure-8 with your hips so, in a moment of relative boredom, I decided to practice that maneuver. Unfortunately, I couldn't recall if the 8 was made vertically or horizontally so I tried both. In case you’re wondering, it’s horizontal – move your hips back and forth, not up and down. Old lady hips don’t go up and down without throwing something out of place.

No time to waste

I don't have time to post today. I picked up two new writing courses this week which means I don't have time to do anything but complain that I don't have time to do anything.

I don't want this to be a wasted trip for you though, so I'm going to take the time to refer you to my favorite comedians, Jeff Dunham, Peanut, Walter, and Jose "On a Stick" Jalapeno. They crack me up!

Jeff sent me an email today with a personal invitation to vist his website and I'm sure he wouldn't mind if I invited you too. Go to http://www.onastick.com/website/main.html - I'll meet you there. Classes can wait.

Martin Luther King Jr Day

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day.

Today politicians and preachers will give grand speeches extolling Dr. King's virtues and philosophies. They will quote lines from his I Have a Dream speech. They will speak of his success as the leader of a movement for black equality.

I hope they remember that Dr. King's dreams and visions extended beyond the boundaries of color and race, that he wasn't a leader only of black Americans, but of all citizens.

He dreamed of a greater America, a nation where differences were celebrated, not condemned. A nation that would "rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: 'We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal.' "

Amen, Dr. King. Amen.

Annoying Crap

People who know me know that I'm easily annoyed. By the time one reaches my age, one has encountered a lot of crap and, let’s face it, there’s only so much crap one person can stand in one lifetime. Not only am I easily irritated, I like to share my frustrations with other people so they know not to provoke me with the same crap.

What brought up this topic was a recent email from a former co-worker. I occasionally get emails from her of the “pass this on to 10 people and save the world” variety. All of which I promptly delete, because responsible people always dispose of crap before it has a chance to pile up.

The major irritants today were (1) those emails annoy me unless they’re actually funny or very profound (and if they’re worth sharing with others, I don’t need threats about the dire consequences of not passing them on to figure that out); (2) this particular acquaintance rarely sends me anything BUT those annoying emails.

Last week I had written her about a company where she once worked. Her reply (sent to 100 of her closest friends) was an email claiming that God didn’t have time to write my name in the Book of Life because I didn’t have time to annoy 10 of my friends with that particular email. Hey, I know God and He didn’t care what I did with that email.

Although He’s not really fond of my constant use of the word crap.

I looked up synonyms for crap when I started this posting and learned that crap is a taboo term meaning “worthless, useless, or lacking in ability”. That brought to mind a saying (which I just made up) that I want to share with you – and please feel free to pass it on to 10 or 20 of your closest friends.

Just because the shoes fit, honey, you ain’t necessarily Cinderella.

To Bed, To Bed said Sleepyhead

It's time to make another entry, but please don't expect me to be interesting or funny today. I'm too sleepy to know what I'm writing, thanks to dreams that distrubed my sleep most of the night.

I dreamt that Denise paid $6.50 for a can of diet Pepsi while Ashton Kutcher sat across from us showing off the large chocolate stain under the left arm of his colorfully stripped sweater.

I swear both of those were more upsetting than running around my living room trying to close all the draperies without being seen by the neighborly peeping-tom.

It was a relief to wake up and go to work.

Man's Best Friend

Mike's dog, Eleanor Rigby, visited our building last week on her way home from the vet. She is a beautiful dog and was very well behaved despite being surrounded by strangers.

I took the following salute to man's best friend from this week's Suddenly Seniors in Rigby's honor. (I pinched it unabashedly because I know they pifered it from someone else.)

THE WISDOM OF MAN'S BEST FRIEND

• The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
• Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
• There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
• A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
• The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
• We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.
• A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
• Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
• If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
• There's no better "babe magnet" than a puppy on a leash. Unless it's a dog sharing your ice cream cone on the beach.

Time to grow up

Have you ever wanted to do something you knew was really stupid and you thought you didn't care how stupid it was but you weren't really sure if you REALLY, REALLY wanted to do it because you knew it was so stupid that you ought to get a swift kick just for thinking for one nanosecond that it wasn't?

Especially when you're so old that the old-lady-shoes on your feet advertise that you're Sane & Sensible? When you're so old that the kids who bag your groceries invariably call you "ma'am"? When you're old enough to know better?

Time to grow up? I'm old. Frankly, I don't think I have that much time left.

The wheels go round and round

The wheels on my car feel loose. I don't suppose that's possible, but while I was wondering if they might fall off, I started thinking how convenient a disposable car would be. Instead of taking my car to the garage, I could just put it out on the curb and order a new one with tight wheels.

Then I starting thinking about the first car I ever owned. It was a '67 AMC Rebel, two toned brown, called Jesse James (because it took all my money). A big solid, sensible car selected by my father for a beginning driver, it could seat 6 adults comfortably. I never asked Dad if he knew that when you pulled the front seat all the way forward and lowered the back, it converted to a bed big enough to sleep 3 adults comfortably. Although I never confirmed it personally, some of my friends told me you could sleep 3 skinny adults in the trunk, too.

There were two bumper stickers on the rear. The one on the left, courtesy of a boy friend, said "Make wine, not war". My little brother and his friend put "Milk drinkers make better lovers" on the right side. They thought it was funny.

The Rebel was a good ol' car. It took me to a lot of places I hadn't been before, and a couple of places nobody had ever been. Thanks, Dad. You made a good choice. They just don't make 'em like that anymore.

January 2, 2006

Can you believe it? It's the second day of 2006 already. Time certainly flies when you're having fun.

Question: Could they possibly have more football games on television than they have today? (And I don't have cable so I'm sure I'm missing half of them.)

Question: Do you know the difference between a football minute and a basketball minute? (As in, "The game's almost over, hon. I'll be with you in a minute.")
Answer: About an hour.