The Return of Howie

I have had a mentally draining week. I'd give you details, but I have found that when you face a situation where you think you may have to eventually smack somebody up side the head, it's best not to record too many details about the conflict and pending resolution.

Because my brain muscles are more tired than usual, I have a guest writer today. Her name is Steph. She's not old like me, but she writes OK for a kid.

You all remember Howie? The spider?

He's alive....

At least that is what I thought last night when I was coming down the stairs at my house and there he sat. I said “Howie, did you come home with me…is that why we thought you got killed?” And he said…get this…”That’s a common misconception, I’m not Howie…I’m Herman (dramatic pause) …His evil twin brother.” Then I said…”Oh great now I have psychotic spiders stalking me.” He then said, “Not just one, I also brought my cousin BIG.” To which I said…”Big, doesn’t he have an actual name like you and Howie?” He replied, “No we just call him BIG on account of him being so BIG and all.” Then he proceeded to say this…”Now listen here pretty lady…the way I see it we got a score to settle…and since I can’t find the man with the yellow shirt smoking the cigars…you are gonna have to be the one to pay.” At that he reared his ugly head and lunged with all his might straight for my face…but I ducked…Shuweee! He then said…”Oh well better luck next time…me and BIG… we’ll be waitin’ and you never know when we will sneak up and surprise you.” Then he added for affect (I think he thought it would be cute or something)…”I’ll get you my pretty and…and…well since you don’t have a dog….I’ll just get you my pretty.”


With an imagination like that, I'm surprised Steph can sleep at night.

The dinner bell

I just copied a recipe and saved it to My Recipes folder.

I think it's from the Palm Beach Diet because the title of the recipe is Maida Heatter's Palm Beach Brownies. The description says "These are the biggest, thickest, gooiest, chewiest, darkest, sweetest, mostest-of-the-most chocolate bars." Ok, maybe they aren't from THE Palm Beach diet.

I'll probably never make the brownies. I'll just drool over the recipe every once in a while. I have a lot of recipes like that.

The other day I saved a recipe (from Cooks.com) that I'll probably make some day even though I have no idea how to pronounce it. It's called Serbian Gjuwetsch. I don't know what Gjuwetsch means either, but it may be Hungarian for rice with vegetables. Then again, maybe not. I'm guessing that the origin is supposed to be Serbia, but it looks like an old Hoosier recipe to me. I tried to find other recipes with that name, but they weren't in English so I don't know what made them Gjuwetch as opposed to, say, Goulash.

This is the recipe for Serbian Gjuwetsch in case you want to try it. It looks simple enough.

1 lg. onion
2 tbsp. vegetable oil
1/2 lb. ground beef (or lamb)
1/2 tsp. paprika
4 tomatoes, peeled
1 green pepper
1 red pepper
1 1/2 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. pepper
2 c. water
1 c. uncooked rice

Chop onion fine and fry in oil with meat until golden brown. Sprinkle with paprika. Add tomatoes, quartered, and peppers cut in long strips. Season with salt and pepper and cook 5 minutes. Add water and rice. Simmer for about 25 minutes or until rice is tender. Serves 4.

Well, maybe it's not Hoosier after all. It serves 4 people with only 1/2 pound of beef. And the only time I ever heard anybody in Indiana say Gjuwetsch was after somebody sneezed.

A Walk in the Park

And he was like, "Man, don't ever do that again! You almost gave me a heart attack!" and she was like, "Giggle, giggle, giggle."

And then they both laughed, timidly, self-consciously at first, then she pushed him, then he pushed her back, and before they could help themselves they were laughing so hard they thought their guts would split. Just as they were beginning to recover, some old lady walked by carrying an umbrella and glared at them.

And he was like, "Man, with a face like that you could stop a clock the size of Big Ben!" and she was like, "Whoo Eee! Big Ben wouldn't stand no chance!" and they roared in appreciation of their own wit.

And the old lady, she just shook her umbrella at them and muttered, "Stupid squirrels."

Rock-a-bye-baby

I went to a baby shower Saturday. There was the usual oohing & aahing over tiny little pink socks and expressions of "Oh, you're gonna need that!" from the experienced attendees. There were a few "Well, what will they think of next! I wish they'd made those when I had kids." and one woman announced wistfully that she was ready to have another baby.

The mother-to-be was glowing and had more fun than the rest of us put together, which is the way it should be at your first baby shower.

In her honor, I'm sharing these sayings that I stumbled over last night at http://www.indianchild.com/.

1. Children will soon forget your presents. They will always remember your presence.
2. You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool Mom.
3. The best inheritance parents can give their children is a few minutes of their time each day.

She should read these while she's still in a condition to believe they're more funny than true.

1. Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
2. I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
3. Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.
4. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes.
5. Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried it.
6. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

In the eye of the beholder

Suddenly Senior's Jokes last week were on the naughty side. Way over on the naughty side. I can't even begin to tell you the one about the pickle slicer.

As I've mentioned before, sometimes Seniors are a little risque. (Most of the time they're just downright dirty.) This picture came from their website.

I'm taking a survey. Do you think this picture is:

1. Not funny. (I don't get it.)
2. Funny.
3. Funny, but slighty naughty.
4. Funny, but really naughty.
5. Too naughty to admit it's funny.
   

Milan at Midnight

Have you heard about the new passport rules that are taking effect at the end of the year? Gone are the days when you could visit our neighbors with just a driver's license for identification.

By the end of the year, you're going to have a passport to travel by air or sea to and from Canada, Mexico, and the Caribbean. In 2008,you've got to have the passport to travel by land, sea, or air.

It ain't gonna be cheap either. If you're 16 or older, the fees for getting a new passport total $97, not including the cost of getting passport photos. For children under 16, the fees total $82. Passport renewals are $67.

Want more info? Check out http://travel.state.gov/ or call the U.S. National Passport Information Center at 877-487-2778. You'd better do it now. It normally takes at least 6 weeks to get a passport, but the new rules have caused an unprecedented number of applications and your passport could be delayed. It will cost you an extra $60 to get an “expedited” passport and that takes two weeks!

Why am I nagging you about passports? One of the books that I'm writing takes place in London, Madrid, Moscow, Paris, Milan, Toronto, and islands in the sun which might in be the Caribbean. I think I should visit those places to add authenticity and realism. And ....


I might want to take you with me so you should get ready now.

You wouldn't want to miss Milan at midnight ,would you?

Oh, Betty!

I took a magazine with naughty pictures to work last week. We had a good time oohing and aahing over Betty Crocker's Fall Baking cookbook.

Those naughty pictures included ice-cream topped Cinnamon Apple-Berry Crisp, Double Chocolate Cherry Cookies, Pumpkin-Spice Bars with Cream Cheese Frosting, Caramel Pudding Cake. Ummmmmmmmm.


When did things that taste so good become so bad?

Ode to Howie

The girls named the spider that roamed the woman's restroom. I don't know if giving it a name meant they were becoming endeared to the mini-monster or if it was a way to humanize him in an attempt to make him less fearful. It's too late to figure it out now, because Howie (that was his name) ventured out of his kingdom and met an unkind fate, if you know what I mean.

Stephanie wrote an eulogy for the squashed arachnid and so (rather than have to write an entire column myself) I share it with you here.

ODE TO HOWIE
R.I.P.

The spider we all know as Howie passed away tragically today…when a man in a yellow shirt who smokes cigars…decided to take him out. Howie will not be missed…however he was well loved and apparently well fed. Howie must have been a part of secret covert operation…where scientist experiment creating today’s super spider. They apparently are able leap small buildings in a single bound…growing at incredible rates…and are faster than a speeding bullet. Rest is in peace Howie.

Time in a vacuum

My manager called me at work today just as I was leaving for home. He's in California, I'm in Indiana. I don't know how he knew I was leaving.

Anyway, he said he'd call me back tomorrow, then asked "You are coming in tomorrow, aren't you?"

I responded in the affirmative, "I plan on it. God willing and the creeks don't rise."

He laughed and said, "That's right. You never know if you're going to get up in the morning or die in your sleep. Hey, could you do something for me? Just in case, can you give me the name of somebody that can replace you?"

That's cold. Just cold.

"No man goes before his time ----

unless the boss leaves early.

.... Groucho Marx

The Itsy Bitsy Spider on Steroids

There is a spider in the women's restroom at work.

I haven't seen it personally, but I have heard of its ferociousness from Stephanie and Denise. Stephanie swears it has doubled in size in one week and judging from Denise’s description it’s now at least as big as a large mouse. It has caused them quite a bit of excitement and heart palpitations recently.

I went in to hunt it down for them a couple of times, but haven’t bagged it yet. I would let one of the guys do it, but, ahem, it is the women’s restroom. I’m not afraid of most spiders and bugs, but I would like to catch this little bugger. I’m not looking forward to having him catch me with my pants down. Literally.

"Our egos tells us we're the only ones that have any kind of feelings. We're the only ones with a relationship. We're the only ones with family. You know, I think that if you kill a spider, there is a relationship that you're ruining. There's a conversation going on outside with the other spiders.

'Did you hear about Chris?....Killed yeah....Sneaker. And now Stephanie has nine hundred babies to raise all alone.

'Well, she's got her legs full I'll tell you that right now.

'Chris was so kind, wouldn't hurt a fly. It's just been tough for them lately. They just lost their web last week.

'Those humans think they're so smart. Let them try shooting silk out of their butt and see what they can make." ..... Ellen Degeneres

Monday Morning Woes

This morning before I went to work I played a game of Solitare with Julie. Not a good way to start a Monday morning.

Now don't get me wrong, I like spending time with Julie, but not playing Solitare on Monday morning.

I got to go first. I had 5 vowels, including 2 U's (no Q), but managed to make a word. Julie got a 7-letter word on her first play. And her second.

I had 6 vowels by the 3rd play but played well enough my score was in the double digits. Julie didn't play a 7-letter word the third time around. She placed only 6 letters on a triple word square.

I continued to have 5 - 6 vowels through the next 4 plays and I managed to hang on to 2 U's despite playing one. Somehow Julie managed to draw the lone remaining U to go with her Q. She then placed the Q on a triple letter square and the word on a double word square.

After a few more plays, I realized I had no vowels. I congratulated myself for playing two g's to form "egg" and make 10 points. Julie played off the last g on a triple word square and got 30 points.

Final score: Me 261, Julie 466.

When your imaginary friend beats you that badly, you know it's not gonna be a good day.

It's Monday!

It's Monday and I thought you could use a good laugh. Sorry, but I couldn't find any so I "borrowed" these jokes from Suddenly Senior.

HA! Just kidding! These are classics:

I went to a seafood disco last week...
and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day
but I couldn't find any.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron".
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."


http://www.suddenlysenior.com/jokeslatest.html

Put a penny in the old man's hat

Did you notice I added a new link a few days ago? No? Well, look to your right, run your eye down the column till you see Financial Calculators. See it?

Use it. It's free. And how much stuff do you see that's absolutely free nowadays? You don't even have to give them your fake email address.

I found that link last week while I was doing research for an article I want to write on children's savings accounts. I'll share some of the other free sites I found with you as I'll probably never finish the article and you might as well profit from my research. (Profit - that's a play on words. Get it?)

You need to bookmark the Annual Credit Report site if you haven't already done so. From this site you can request one free credit file disclosure a year from each of the three national consumer credit reporting companies, Equifax, Experian, and Transunion. If you stagger them, you can get a free credit report every four months. That's handy for checking on any activity that would indicate identify theft.

Check out Oprah's Debt Diet. It has some interesting tips for whittling away debt. For example, you can put $10 a day towards your debt (or in your savings) if you just give up unnecessary items like fancy coffees, cigarettes, sodas, kid's lunches .... Yeah, that's what it said. Kid's lunches. I know the little darlings are expensive, but that's a little extreme, don't you think? Even if you're averse to starving your kids to save a few bucks, Oprah has some fun calculators that will help you figure out how to manage your money.

Investopedia is a good site for learning about investing your money. If you don't believe me, just ask them: "Investopedia is your complete, unbiased, and easy-to-understand educational guide to investing and personal finance. The site has the biggest financial dictionary on the web, hundreds of articles and tutorials, and an investing simulator where you can practice managing a portfolio without putting your money at risk." You can play the stock market here without risking any money. Of course, you can't spend your profits either, but it's a fun way to learn how fast you can make and lose money on Wall Street. Let your kids play. When they get good at it, they can invest their own money and buy their own lunch.

Please put a penny in the old man's hat.

If you haven't got a penny, then a ha' penny will do.

If you haven't got a ha' penny, then God bless you!

.... Mother Goose

Beau Brummel's Closet

Men - I didn't forget your closet. This is what you need for this fall.

1. Merino wool or cashmere cardigan - just don't try to look "cool" by tying the sleeves loosely over your shoulders
2. Pin striped trousers - fashion experts recommend pairing them with a "fun-striped" shirt. I recommend you don't. Doesn't "fun-striped" make you think of Fruit Striped gum?
   
3. Striped shirts - OK, wear them with anything from black pants to blue jeans, just don't wear them with pin-striped trousers.
4. Blazer/Sports jacket - the retro look is in
5. Twill pants - in a variety of colors and patterns.
   
6. Jeans - Oh, look! You're already a fashion uber.

Other stuff:

1. Updated pea coat (Aye,Aye, Matey), retro car coat, or fisherman's coat. (Go for the fisherman's coat - you'll be warmer & hotter.)
   
2. Leather jackets are back (not that they ever went away)
   
3. Henleys (skinny, long sleeved sweaters) - a "must have" (Get the ones with the leather patches on the shoulders. They make you look hot.)
4. A variety of sweaters - remember they were in for women this year? Well, they're in for you too. Note: I didn't read anything about matching sweaters.
5. Include at least one sweater with horizontal stripes
6. Plaids are in for men too, but think twice about what you buy in plaid. Otherwise, you'll just look like a dork.
   
7. Shades of green need to be seen (I just made that up so you could remember it was green. That's muted green shades, by the way. Think camouflage greens, not grass green, or Kermit green, or Green Hornet green.)
8. Vests (not the 'goes with the jacket and two pairs of pants' type of vest)
9. Based on the clothes I've seen on "That 70's Show", some 70's styles are back for guys.
10. And the best thing you can wear on your arm? Your favorite girl.
    

This actually went down the runway with the caption "striking a romantic, confident tone". Is it just me or does it look like he borrowed that shirt from his girl friend?

The Overflowing Closet

While we're talking about fall, let's discuss this year's fall fashion trends. Why? I don't know, unless it's to poke fun of them.

Either the 40's, 50's, or 80's are back depending on who you ask (and probably on how old they are.)

Sweaters are back - oversized sweaters, sweater dresses, and sweater coats. Sweaters are going to new lengths to be noticed - like to the floor.

Which is odd because jackets this season will be cropped. (Guys: that means they end at or above the waist.)

Jumpers are back. (Guys and English readers: an American jumper is a sleeveless dress worn over a blouse or sweater. I was wearing one when I got the nickname Bubbles, but that's a different story. Sorry to digress.)

Skin-tight pants are hot. (Nobody should wear skin-tight pants unless (1) they're underfed models or (2) they're working the corner.) Wide belts are back. Leggings are in, but shorter - like just below the knee. (think Kimmie Gibbler from Full House). Ugly little high-heeled booties are new. (I added the ugly commentary, but wait till you see them and see if you don't agree.) Hats, hats, hats of all shapes are back. (Good - I love strange hats. If I didn't have such a big head, I'd wear more of them.)

Plaids are on everything. The in fall colors are black, somber smoky grays, camel, taupe, chocolate browns, navy blue, apple cinnamon, red mahogany, plum, pistachio and spruce. Blue leaning toward teal was popular. (Guys: translates to shades of black, browns, blue, red, green, and purple.)

They showed this as an example of what was seen on the Paris runway for fall, but I don't think it hits any of the hot trends except a couple of the in-colors. But then, I'm not even sure what it is:

Crickey

Stephen Robert Irwin, the infamous and mischievous Australian better known as The Crocodile Hunter, died September 4th in a freak accident while filming a documentary at the Great Barrier Reef off Australia. As Irwin swam over a stingray, he was struck in the chest by its barbed tail which pierced his heart. America will miss the Crocodile Hunter almost as much as his native Australia.

Steve Irwin was 44 years old and is survived by his wife, Terri, and two children, Bindi Sue and Bob.

Grab your coat, Martha!

Labor day is tomorrow. Summer is waning and there is more than a hint of fall in the air despite it being 3 weeks until autumn actually arrives.

The days are getting so short that it's dark when I wake up and I don't know what time it is. That's partly because of the time of the year, partly because we have had overcast skies for at least a week, and mostly because of day light saving time which I still don't like.

Because it seems unseasonably cool to me, I checked some forecasts to see what was predicted for this fall and winter. I wish I hadn't. Cooler than normal temperatures through mid-September are predicted with recommendations for farmers to get their crops harvested before October or risk losing them. We can also expect early frosts, early snows, cold rainy weather, cold snowy weather, and cold icy weather.

Wait! I hear somebody calling me! Who's that? Florida? Florida wants me to move back there? Just let me pack my bags and I'm there.