All the news that's fit to print

My cousin sent me an email with a bunch of advertisements and articles scanned from newspapers. Actual newspapers, as they say. I'm going to share them with you because this is better than anything I can make up.

In 1999, a "star reporter" from Colorado Springs wrote that "Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25". Huh, I would have thought the decrease occured at a much earlier age, or not at all.

Phil Haywroth wrote "Fish need water, Feds say". Yep, you can always count on your government to get right to the heart of a problem.

The Register Guard reported that Lane County would "pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds". Another example of government hard at work spending "their" tax dollars.

The Utah Poison Control Center warned everyone "not to take poison". What would we do without these helpful reminders?

A World staff writer reported "Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons". I think they were looking for drugs, but was anybody really surprised when they found weapons at a gun shop?

One article was titled "Alton attorney accidently sues himself." Wonder who won?

A police report from Hagerstown, MO, said "Police: Crack found in man's buttocks". Do you suppose the police or the reporter thought that one up? According to the report, they found 15 bags of crack cocaine "in his buttocks" while they were searching his home. Yeah, I know. It's not a pretty picture.

Someone offered for sale "A collection of old people". There was no asking price in the ad, but I would think a collection like that would be priceless.

Another add carefully described a car with a price of $4,500, but the last sentence in the ad was "Not for sale". I bet there's a story there. I don't know it, so I'll make one up. Wife says "You have to sell that car now! Put an ad in the paper today!" and husband says "OK! But if we don't get any takers, you can just stop nagging me. Deal?"

Debra Jackson reported she liked shopping at the Dollar Palace because it was convenient and casual. "I don't have to get all dressed up like I'm going to Wal-Mart or something".