I like bread and butter

I bought a new toaster the other day. I'm taking it back tomorrow.

For some reason, I don't know what got into me, I bought it just by looking at the picture on the box. The store didn't have a display model. The picture on the box looked nice. Black. Trim. A bagel button. A stop button. A lift the toast out of the toaster instead of sticking a fork in the toaster and getting shocked lever.

Looks can be deceiving. Oh, it had all that stuff, and more.

1. A silver 7 position browning control knob that was next to impossible to tell what number it was set at by looking at it, but the indicator protruded just enough you could set it by feel.
2. A one foot electrical cord. Maybe it was a foot, probably less. It was positioned at the front of the toaster. Which is just plain stupid. The only other way to put it is "just plain ignorant". And the directions said to keep the toaster 3 inches from the wall. So the cord is 12 inches and the toaster is about 10 inches long. I'll do the math for you. That leaves 2 inches which is less than 3. Unless one wants to put the front of the toaster closest to the wall outlet and reach over the toaster to work the controls, it just ain't gonna work.

But that's not why I'm returning the toaster. I'm returning it because it doesn't toast bread. It chars it.

Do you remember my smoke alarm that goes off when I boil water? It doesn't go off when the stupid new toast burns the last slice of bread in the house and sends clouds of hazy smoke all over the apartment. Smoke that smells like burned toast.

I tried setting the browning control on the toaster near the middle the first time, then the far right, then the far left. As far as I could tell that's what I did. Yield: 1 slice charred bread, 1 charred bagel, and 1 extra crispy bagel. To get one edible bagel, I had to stand over the toaster like a hawk and hit the stop button and even then I was a tad too late.

They just don't make things like they used to.

Odds are.

I just finished an on-line course on Forensic Science. It was very detailed, much more so than what I expected, wanted, or needed to know. But I finished it and I passed the final exam.

So now I'm taking another on-line course on Data Mining. I'm not very dedicated to studying, but I have the rest of my life to finish it so I suppose there's no rush. But then I don't really know, do I?

If I finish the course I suppose I might be able to calculate the odds on that. My age, weight, family history, driving record, etc. all thrown in to some algorithm that spits out my life expectancy. But that sounds more like a statistics course than a data mining course, doesn't it?

I took a statistics course before. As a matter of fact, I majored in statistics in college. But I was never good at figuring out odds.

I'm much better at evens.

Math jokes are so lame.

Remember when

Do you ever say, "I remember when gas was 25 cents a gallon." or "I remember when you could buy a new home for what a car cost today."?

And the kids say, "And how much were dinosaur steaks, you old geezer?"

Well, now you can show them it wasn't that long ago. Check out the Cost of Living Calculator from The Women's Institute for Financial Education (WIFE.ORG) to compare the cost of living between any 2 years between 1900 and 2010.

While you're there you might check out WIFE's Money Clubs. If you tell the rude little whipper snappers that you are a member in good standing of a Money Club they might show you a little more respect. At least until they find out they're not in the will.

HEY!

I want somebody to bake these and send me one or two or maybe four. If I make them myself, I'll eat them all. And while I'm sure I'd enjoy it at the time, I'd probably regret it the next day. Or maybe not.

Pillsbury Bake Off Fudgy Chocolate Chip Toffee Bars

Life's short. Never let a chocolate chip cookie get away.

I have a fever

I thought I had spring fever so I Googled signs and symptoms to verify my diagnosis. But I didn't. Verify it, I mean. I might have spring fever, than again I might not.

Spring fever is a malady that occurs in the spring.
There are psychological and physical manifestations.
Symptoms may include spurts of energy or bouts of lethargy.
One might experience an enhanced euphoria or a deep depression.
It may increase alertness or increase day dreaming.
It might induce feverishness, but not a fever.
Restlessness, disquietude, uneasiness, antsiness can be attributed to spring fever.

If you sneeze, that's spring allergies not spring fever.

Old ladies don't get spring fever. It isn't dignified.

I think I have ennui, malaise, or melancholia.

Let's see. Put the back of your hand on your forehead and languidly announce, "I have ennui."

No, no, no. Stop laughing. Make your eyelids droop a little. Now try it. "I have ennui." "I am stricken with ennui." "Ennui has overtaken me."

I think I'll name my next cat Ennui.