Your Cheatin' Hearts

My computer cheats at computer games.

I have long suspected it, but I think I have enough evidence now to prove that it's not cheating at just one game, but several. I don't want to tip my hand completely, but here is some of the evidence.

Hearts:

1. I first noticed the cheating when I played Hearts against three competitors of the computer's choosing. It's statistically impossible for the player on the left to get the Ace, King, or Queen of Spades 99.9% of the time so they can pass them to me.
2. The competitor with the "prettiest" sounding name usually wins.

Five Dice (like Yatzee):

1. 98.9% of the time my electronic opponent rolls "five dice" at least once during a game. (That's worth 50 points.) It's not unusual for her/him to roll "five dice" as many as 5 times in one game.
2. I roll "five dice" about 0.1% of the time. I still win 99.9% of the games though. (I didn't say the computer was good at cheating.)

Solitaire:

1. Yes, my computer cheats at Solitaire. When I click the screen for subsequent deals, you know it's supposed to deal 3 cards at a time, right? Well, my computer has started dealing 6 - 9 cards at a time. Nobody likes a cheatin' card player.

To get even, I'm going to tell you some secrets about playing Microsoft's Solitaire.

1. If you click the right mouse button, the computer will place visible cards to the correct suit stack. (For example, if an Ace is in the draw pile, right click and it will be placed above the row stacks. If a two of the same suit is visible in the row stacks, it will be also be placed on top of the Ace.) Use this judiciously; sometimes it actually hinders your play.


2. When playing Draw Three, and you need that Queen that's hiding under the Jack, hold down ctrl+alt+shift and click on the deck to draw single cards.


3. If you click shift+alt+2 in the middle of a game, you'll win.

"The 9000 series is the most reliable computer ever made. No 9000 computer has ever made a mistake or distorted information. We are all, by any practical definition of the words, foolproof and incapable of error."... HAL, 2001: A Space Odyssey