FOR THE BIRDS

Mr Carlson to Andy: As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly. (For those of you too young to recognize it, this quote comes from a Thanksgiving episode of the TV show WKRP in Cincinnati.)


Fowlospophy

Life’s like a bird. It’s pretty cute till it craps on your head.

A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult.

A bird in the hand is kind of messy.

It’s hard to soar like an eagle in the morning when you roost with the buzzards at night.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

Fowl Language

Question: Why did the gum cross the road?
Answer: It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Answer: To prove to the Opossum that it could be done!

Question: What does a 1,000 lb. canary say?
Answer: Here kitty, kitty, kitty!

Question: What did one baby bird say to the other after finding an orange in their nest?
Answer: Hey! Look at the orange marmalade! (mama laid, get it?)

Did you ever notice that when ducks migrate in their V- formation, one side of the line is longer than the other? Know why that is? There's more ducks in that line.

Say what? Chicken squat, that's what! (I know it makes no sense, but kids used to say it when somebody said, "What?")

From the late Red Skelton: Two seagulls, Gertude and Heathcliff are flying around watching the traffic. Gertrude asks, "Have you seen the new 2005 cars?" Heathcliff replied, "Yeah, I just spotted one!"

Sitting on a branch overlooking the parking lot, the pigeons watched as a Mercedes pulled in below them. "What do you think?" one bird said to the other. "Should we put a deposit on that car?"

A duck walked into a drug store and bought a tube of lipstick. The clerk inquired, "Will that be cash or charge?" The duck replied, "Just put it on my bill!"

I first heard this one on the TV show MASH. Trust me, it's funnier the way I tell it. (In case you missed that episode, Hawkeye was trying to prove he could make more people laugh with this joke than BJ.)

A man walked into the office of a talent agent on the 72nd floor of a skyscraper. "I've got a great act," he tells the agent. "Just watch this." The man opens the window, perches on the ledge and starts flapping his arms. Then he pushes off and flys around outside the window executing intricate aerobatic maneuvers. Having finished his demonstration, the man flaps in to a perfect landing on the window sill and steps back into the agent's office.

"What do you think of that?" he asked the agent.

The talent agent yawned. "Is that all you can do? Bird imitations?"


Bird Duty

Mac had worked at the local zoo for so long, he had only two responsibilities. The first was to care for the zoo's male lion and the second was to feed the zoo's porpoise.

The lion was so magnificent that the Governor had proclaimed it “The State Lion”. The porpoise had lived at the zoo for years. In fact, nobody knew exactly how old the porpoise was, and everyone simply called it “The Immortal Porpoise”. It was thought that the secret to the porpoise's long life was its daily diet of young gulls.

One day Mac came into work and went down to the dock to collect the gulls to feed the porpoise. At the dock, he saw the lion had escaped from his cage during the night and now lay stretched out across the dock, asleep. Mac decided the best course of action was to creep quietly across the lion, get the gulls, feed the porpoise, and then get help to capture the beast. So, he carefully stepped over the lion and filled his bucket full of the young gulls. As Mac carefully crossed back over the lion.....he was arrested!!!!

The charge? Crossing the state lion with young gulls for an immortal porpoise!!